Thoughts

Song idea: "Light"

2006-12-17T05:31:00.000-05:00

Fans of light stretch over darkness
seas of black hands and tainted hearts
Reaching for life none posses
These hearts which immorality's claimed it's part
They reach instinctivly to touch a beam of life

Things we comprehend not
our freedom so hard fought
closed/shut our eyes on life oncely secure
every word and action now impure

Things we comprehend not
our freedom so hard fought
From this hell close your eyes
and gaze upon the life of light
open a life once only of our dreams now newly yours

Light and shadows, the two cannot mix
Breath of Life flows over land
Seas of green grasses root from rich soil
Reaching up in open sky
To kiss the rays of life
Drawing life it grows up high

Free from darkness, fullfilled prophesy

painfull fasination

2006-11-25T16:53:00.000-05:00

for the first time in a while now, i've begun to feel. I saw a couple pictures of her online and I was reminded of how beautiful she was. But what's the world without dreams. I've found myself in a daze.

2006-11-17T14:43:00.000-05:00

so I've decide to close my account for facebook. All gone, bye bye. Straton was telling me how on some things it was hard for him because of facebook being a huge portal of "know all" informantion. In fact, most of it he didn't want to know or here about. sometimes ignorance is bliss. So I've decide that too much of my time is on facebook thinking about girl that I'd like ot have, or wish I have, and i'm taking a stand. I'm so tired of our culture, and quite frankly, why should I have the right to wish a culture could change, when I'm just one of them.

So reciently I've been evalutating my ethics and maturity. Some say this or that about me, and it leads me to think one thing. But honestly if I chase others around trying to please them I'll never get anywhere. Sure I shouldn't be complacent, but I have to be confident with what I DO have. I have to know that I'm ok for now, and that I shouldn't stress over what I am not. That's just plain stupid. I'm Ryan, I'm a visionary, I'm a wacked out forward thinker, I have a wildside, and an unpredictible side. I have a steady side that you could set your watch to. I have an intuitive side that most would misinterpret as a bad thing.

Quite honestly, this is everything that make up me. If I were to change something, I wouldn't be the same person. Sure I can improve from here, but without the "falts" I have today, I'd be somewhere ELSE, and then going from THERE to some far off place. the truth is that all I can do is work with what I have. I don't have what other people have, and I'm sorry. Go screw yourself.

Perhaps I'd feel better if I had a girl. But not really, cause that would just be covering up the real topic at hand. Then I'd be using her to justify something about myself, which isn't right.

The other night a couple of the guys were laughed when I said that we will eventually be married. They said they used to think like that but don't any longer. Well, I still think that I can find a woman who I think is absolutly georgous, and I still think that my prime is yet to come. I'm still young and still developing my purpose. I think I greaten my chance of finding a woman like the further I develope my skills and belonging. I'm prime is yet ahead. The kingdom his here, and it's time to learn to set aside the childish sins of my youth and live in the present. Live in the now. have my own ideas about myself, regarless of what others say. Do things without hesitation. I've learned that in spiritual warefare I am my own worst enemy. The sin of my flesh fights against what I know to be true, and I choose ways of death of ways of life. I'm praying for a breaking point. I'm praying that I'll break down so I can move closer to the ways of Truth. I'm starting to feel the pull for a major lifestyle change, one that isn't full of fleshly desires. One that I can accually hear what God is saying to me, because i have my eyes open to it. That's where I want to be.

2006-11-10T18:06:00.000-05:00

So I just finished a rushed time for me in school. The good news is that the core classes I Ased the exams. The electives were accually more difficult and one of them was a paper I had to complete. Hopefull it'll pan out well.

So the garage is coming along. For the past few hours i've been taking down the tracks. At one point the 300lb door almost crashed down, but I held it together. Hopefully tomarrow well get a few guys together and build the wall.

So I'm going to a DCrowder thing tonight. I didn't even pay for the ticket, and quite frankly, DCrowder thinks my name is Duke. yeah...I got to meet him once out in waco TX. Most would rever this moment when they get to meet the oh holy one of praise music. Yet I figured I'd stick it to the man, and not even tell him my real name. He said back, "duke, nice to meet you". haha, in my own little way, I took advantage of the person that writes all the songs that I, the music, has to play for my job.

I'm still thinking about girls like always. I'm just a little discouraged. I found out my dream girl "Diana the Dignified" is no longer single. I also found out that Ashley the Adorable is also "in a relationship". Thanks facebook.

I always think that I'm not doing something right. Perhaps i'm not. Perhaps I'm just built different. Perhaps I have a solo purpose for a while.

I have no life within me. The life that IS within me is not of me, but is of Christ. I owe my whole life to Him, for he will give me life after the Life. I have nothing to complain.

2006-10-14T21:22:00.000-04:00

so I was talking to a friend the other day. I asked her if it was self-centered or selfish to want a pretty wife one day. I asked because the most beautiful women in the world don't think they're much to talk about when they have waken up to see the same face each day. However for the rest of us, it takes our breath away. Certainly having a beautiful wife would only be for my benefit. However she did ask me, "when a friend wants to help you, get you a gift, or serve you, wouldn't you want to show that person that you really needed help, or that they were a life saver. Wouldn't you want to make them feel good about serving and caring for the one they love? If this person was your wife, wouldn't you want her to think that she sets your world on fire? So..you should marry someone you think is pretty, not because it's for your own status, or vanity of having a hot wife. You marry that person cause they deserve to have someone that is all about them. That really appriciates them, thier beauty, thier personality, thier passions. After all, you want our wife to think your hot, if not how would that make you feel. What would happen to your confidence, or vise versa for the woman. How much better would she feel vs having a man that things she's average. No, that would be a shame.

so she didn't say all that, but I have a reasured view on this now. I dont' feel as bad about persueing a girl, and that it's not out of selfish crap.

Ya know I've noticed a pattern in the past three girls that I've gotten close to, that after I've gotten past initial stages of "does this person like me or not" I turn into a different person. I can stare her right in the eye, and not flinch a bit. I'm in the zone. I'm cool and confident, never loosing composure. I just wonder why I'm not like this more often. Why my confidence can't be like this more often, and why I can't just put up a sign that says "this is what I'm all about, this is where I'm going. Check it!" Nope, instead I end up secound guessing, worrying too much. I was thinking about this the other day, and I was like, "why don't I just try to find that zone and stay in it".

So I'm going Sal-la-sa tonight. Should be a great time. Last week went really really well. This week will be even better because some friend of mine are going along. Check it sucka!

monday, the day after sunday

2006-10-10T00:02:00.000-04:00

not much happened, studied all day for a exam i have tomarrow. more to life than this. i quit for tonight.

the neighbor hates me. she hate's because I'm young. she hates my lifestyle, and the fact that I'm not settled down.

i asked a girl to lunch the other day. she said no. i tried, and i'm glad i did. it felt great.

tonight i had dinner out on the deck. moved the table out there.

we sprayed insulation into the attic the other day. i can feel a difference.

had my eye on Miss Georgous from church. her clevage was showing. realized it pry wouldn't ever work out.

people found matt. 5 simple and boring. they're right, simple it is...so profound. verses still ringing in my head. overtones of those simple truths still showing up. by the post office, by the train, by the bus. matt. 5 is everywhere.

2006-10-07T15:06:00.000-04:00

Will I ever reach the point where I'm not thinking for my best interest? Will I ever reach the point where I'm able to look at my pretty girlfriend because I love her, want to serve her, and am genuinly interested in her? Or perhaps I will fail once again into the trap of self-centered ambitions of having a cute girl by my side.

It seems that there alot of very down to earth people out there that I never come into contact with. And to think that there are all these down to earth cute girls out there that for some reason I'm not interacting with and getting to know...could be possible an illusion of my mind. Because certainly, many of these attractive women are not on same page as I am, and have totally different ambitions and passions. Thier political views alone would hint that those girls wouldn't be wife material. If the world were an equall place, I could go for any girl that caught my eye, but if I put away those perfect ideals in my head of "how it should be", then I find that I'm not at all wrong for where I am.

I'm single, kinda a loner, and still wondering why I can't seem to find a soul mate, or a female friend to get a secound take on things. I don't really hang out with girls as friends, and I'm not sure why. I really would like to change this. I don't know alot of things and I guess I'll have to move on without that understanding.

Loves

2006-10-03T20:29:00.000-04:00

So I went on this retreat that we got hired to play at. It was a good time, but in a understanding kinda way. I wasn't expecting much, and I knew going into it was going to be a rough weekend. There was never really a time were I truly connected with individuals there. I made some people laugh, and I did give some effort into adapting and trying to get to know people there. I think I've figured out that that groups fellowship mainly functions through quality time. a lot of them are into sports, team sports that is, and most of the time is yelling and screamly rediculous things accross the room. Nothing of content, it's all about being there, at that time at that place, and participating in whatever the crap is going on. You don't have to be smart, or have anything in common really. So that's just a guess. It's kinda like pleasentville. Everyone gets a long but over no common interests. It's just because. Perhaps status, perhaps self centerness, perhaps because of something I'll never understand.

I'm feeling great overall. I couldn't care less about having someone. Although it's always something I've wanted, I just don't have that same despiration for it anymore. There's too much happening musically that's just very exciting.

Another thought. I was sitting on the toilet at McDonalds and a vision came into my head all of a sudden of me and my wife on the road doing ministry. I guess I was thinking about having someone else to help me and be with me while I'm on the road. the other day i was talking to a girl about marrage. she said she felt out of the loop cause she was almost 23 and still single. I've never thought of it like that. I'm 23 and feel fine as a bachlor. In fact I don't even have a girlfriend, so marriage seems far far away. But something came into my head about that too. Over the period of a week I started to see a future of where I may be heading. I'm not sure where these thoughts came from, but marriage has become something of the imment future and possible within the next couple years. I even saw it within the current situation which made it even scarier. Typically I think of getting married when I have this or that done, I own this, I'll be at this stage in life. But reciently it just hit me. I'm freaking 23 and that's not a bad age. I starting thinking of how I have wanted a cute girlfriend primarly out of selfishness just to have a cute girl. I had also thought about how it would just be nice to have someone to hang with and cuddle, whatever...but she didn't have to be perfect, cause after all, marrage is a long way away. Perhaps I thought this cause the couple girls I've gotten close to have been younger, so I thought that it would be a few years. Talking to this 22 year old I could sence that she was in a post college stage of life, a "single and looking for the one". I thought to myself, why am I not thinking like this. Why was I so upset over melissa, over not having a cute girl just to have one. Why arn't I thinking about, "is this the kinda girl that would support me and live and breath my passions?". Nope. Not at all. It was, "this girl is cute, and I wanna feel good about myself". I pray that I truely think my wife is the most beautifull woman in the world. I pray that God would bless me in that way, because honestly I think every woman deserves to be with a man who is really all about her. If not, that's just sad.

I'm praying that God will give me his perspective on things. That he would make me incredibly attracted, both pysically and intelectually, to Godly women. Women with character. Women with viture.

Currently I'm working on putting some new material on the myspace site for the ministry. www.myspace.com/sanctuaryone1.

2006-09-20T18:13:00.001-04:00

Well, yesterday I have another day of school. Monday was a big day for me. I woke up to find that Comcast had betrayed us. We've paid the bills faithfully, and yet they make us call tech support for the secound time, only to say, "we don't have any record of your account". Comcastic! So I left to go to campus about 3, this way I could get more work done, and use the internet with my mac.

I got to campus and I was chilling for a while just listening to some trance with my in-ears and I notice a girl sit down in from of me about 3 tables down. I thouht to myself, "yeah she's kinda cute, ok whatever". I went on to do my work. After a couple minites I noticed there was a guy sitting down talking to her. She was smiling back, and he was just talking away. I saw they shook hands, so I knew they weren't really friends at this point. I thought to myself, "ya know I bet that girl likes that guy, cause of the look on her face". Sure enough, he got up to leave, and I noticed a little slip of paper in his hand. Man, why did I at least do that? It made me wonder.

Tuesday morning I got up, and put something down on the chair in my room. For some reason at that exact moment, I thought of the U2 song, "Your stuck in the moment, and you can't get out of it. You got to pull yourself to gether." or something like that.

So didn't think anything of it. I got home from school later that afternoon, and was talking to Myque Lopez about some remix thing, and in the middle of our conversation, he quotes the very song I thought of eariler that day. I thought, cool. I said, "God if this really means something make it show up for a third time."

An hour later I was off to a meeting for church. I ended up talking to a few people afterwards in the street outside. Straton pulls up and joins us. Eventually it's just us two and we talked for a few. They he's like, "hey you should hang out, some people are coming over to watch a U2 concert(of the earily 90's)". I was ok, well sure.

So I took that is the 3'rd time. The whole concert I really enjoyed. I'm not sure if that exact song was played, because it was the same album, but the whole thing I just took in like it was gosple. I took in the hope, I took in the justice I heard. I took in the despiration and the politics. So I left that night with encouragment to, "get yourself together, your stuck in a moment". ....a moment, perhaps that fatefull friday morning melissa called me. Perhaps the moment I last saw her, and thought I'd see her in just a couple weeks. Perhaps the moment I lost all my barrings from July.

So today I called work, to see what was up. She said she'd call me back when she knew the answer to my question. I went to quodoba for lunch, and sat outside to soak in the incredibly beautiful day. On the way there I was just thinking....this was my day. It wasn't a "day away from her", or "a day alone" or a "day I didn't have this or that". This day was complete. As is.

Just like I was in July, I had no despirations, no real needs. I was very happy and content. Strat notices this attitude change when he saw me in leasburg. Today was a great day for me. Even though I feel a little sick, I feel great. I fixed up my living room today, and took back some of my dignity. I went to eat lunch completly alone, and felt great.

I'm not sure if this is ignorance, or an attitude of pro-action. I told my sister monday night that I'm sick of the system. I'm tired of being a victim of that system, and it's running my life. I told her that it feels like I'll have to go to Europe to find a girl that's not in the system. I guess at the moment the system isn't bothering me. I think the power is in the attitude. I think the power is in speeking up. I think the power is in having a presence. I think the vice of the system is hesitation. I think vanity is another vice of the system. It rules poeple like none other. I guess what I'm feeling is that perhaps I'm ahead in the game. Perhaps I've been trying to date these 19 year olds and they just dont' get the same things. Why do this, or why do that. At the same time, the older girls I know are still younger than me by a year or so. I don't know why, but there's not that many older women around. all 85s, or 86s. Where'd all the 83s go?

So perhaps I just having been trying hard enough. Perhaps it's my hesitation that's killed me, and I try to make answers out of things I don't really know. Ya know, I don't know why girls at crusade are hard to get to know. I don't know why older women see to brush me off. Ok, so there's a few that think I'm funny, but the rest think I'm a joke. yeah...let'm have thier borring lives. Go on.

Don't be a victim of the system. The bible says don't be of the world. Know what's going on, and interact with it, but don't be of it.

2006-09-16T13:22:00.000-04:00

Well sence my last entry I've been kinda down. Perhaps it wasn't the greatest idea, however at least I got it out there. Ever sence i wrote it on monday i've thought so many times of how I never wish we even met. I've had flash backs to Wet'n'Wild, and eating at Cracker Barrel. She said she ment every word she said to me, yet in 20 years will she still agree with what she had said, saying, "yes now that I look back with half of my life past me, I'm still glad I told Ryan all of those things". Or will it be, "man I've gown so much sence then, and that relationship was nothing that my current marrage is now". I think the later will be the case. And it's a simple truth I know, yet a hard one to swallow.

I'm no longer dating girls that are that young. I think she was too young in a couple areas, thus she says, "not lining up" between you and me. I'm going to have it in my head that all hot girls are flirts, and are going to try to play around with my heart.

I'm sure my dream girl will come along, and I'll just ask her, "how do I know your not another melissa?". I'll make her proove it too me. As of now, there is a wall. I wish I never took that gig for that methodist camp. Before i was fine, now I'm dealing with barriors.

I'm sure I can warm up to a woman, however it will now take extra time between the "seeing stage" and the DTR stage. Trust has to be with time. It has to be earned. I've learned in life that the quicker things come about, the quicker they have the ability to disapear. She was carless with getting involved, and it was no big deal. At the same line of thought, it was no big deal to call me and completly shatter my heart. The quicker they come, the quicker they go.

I was thinking about this, cause my roomate is talking to a girl that's going to be in his city come January. It's a process that's started, and possibly could result in something. It's a very healthy possition to be in. I just wish I could have something like that. There's nothing more fun, then basking in the sunlight of knowing who you are, proud to be single, and delevoping a relationship at the same time. Where did those days of July go? The days were I worked on the house, called her from time to time, and they thought nothing of it, because after all, I didn't need anyone.

I guess the best thing for me to do, is to remind myself of those days. Remind myself, that yes I am still that person. I'm really in a great possition. I have a job, accually a couple of them. I have a personal sence of ministry and calling. I have a good sence of who I am as a person, and my confidence is growing better and better. I'm a home owner, and I have a studio way above my legue that's based out of my house. I see the greatest of these, my personal ministry and calling. That is why I have the job, that is why I would need a studio, that is why I would need strong confidence. In fact, I have found it in ministry. The other sunday I don't know what got into me, but I was confident, and knew "what I was doing". Nothing was planned, nothing was scripted. Not really the music either. All I can say is that it was all the spirit. All insecerities, all doughts of what I was doing and why, just went out the door. I've never really felt like a vessel until that point. ...well I did, but not that strong. It was amazing. My friends were like, Ryan I don't know why you fear getting in front of people, cause you were very confident and confortable. I said, "well i guess I never had a reason to get in front of people". I've never felt so strongly about an artistic idea, and I've never had this sence of artistic identity either.

Not sure if you caught this, but my attitude has changed between the last paragraph and all previous ones. I thought the whole "focusing on the things of God" was a joke and cliche, but it's definatly true today.

Ok well I'm djing tomarrow at a church, and gotta get set up. check it.

Dear Melissa

2006-09-11T18:01:00.000-04:00

There are two things in life that seem to be inhumane. One of them is war. How could you kill someone else, when deep down you know they have family, and love the company of a woman, just as any man would. They have good memories of thier childhood, and love thier moms. Yet we kill each other. The secound creulity of life, is one founded right here in America. That is our dating system. You see, the very relationship that is supposed to be closer than that of our own father and mother, is auditioned and tried casually as if it were choosing the color of your car. So wrong, so defective of the world God created for us in the begining.

I don't understand these things, but I have no choice but to respect them. I have once again fallen victim to the system that snags us all. I had fallen for Miss Admirable yet in the end you turned out to be nothing but a image of both of our imaginations. Supposivly the "real truth" prevailed, and what we had, that magnificant attraction, fell to ashes in a matter of minutes. What's the "real truth", I have no idea. Perhaps it's that you never liked me. Perhaps it' that your a fake, or perhaps that your a flirt. Perhaps it was that you were just using me, or I was a confort guy until Alex became avalable. I'm not really sure what to think, and never will. Perhaps you don't care if I ever have a closure of why this all happened. You don't call me, so I guess you just don't give a damn.

So those times you said you always wanted to keep in touch, and that you valued me as a person....a complete lie. Or perhaps, not...I'm not sure. Why would someone who is innocent flee from the scene, never to be heard of again? I've heard nothing of you, and it does nothing good for a fair assumption about you.

This is my last messege to you ever that I instigate. Only if you contact me first will I talk back. Sure you're free to call, but know I don't know your number. I never memorized it, and that paper you gave me in the maze with your number...it's burned to ashes. That was the death of us. That was the beginning up in flames. All photos, all notes, all facebook items or connections...completely deleted. I couldn't even call you or check your profile if I wanted to.

I could be mad at you, but considering you don't exist, I can't. I'm not mad, and in fact, I just had a great first in my life. I had a great moment where I learned i have something I never knew I had, and was a sort of birth of a new chapter in my life. My calling is now becoming clearer and clearer and it's extreamly exciting. I've also had a record co move some of it's gear to my house, and gives me a huge advantage to use the gear for the production of my music. It's seems as if all roads lead to Rome. All areas are coming together to form my Mission.

Melissa, I'm not angry at you. In fact, I'm just disapointed that I thought you were someone you weren't. I have no idea who this guy is, but I would pray that this relationship encourages your faith and walk with God. Please know that that relationship tops all others, and none is worth it for that sacrifice of the heavenly father love. The world is a crewl place, and I know this. I'm just a victum of a beautful woman. At least I know I have the ability, yet keeping someone of your stature is a task only you can control. What's beauty without self control, or wisdom to know which men are flirting, and which ones can truely love. What's your beauty if you end up being a flirt. Please don't go down that road, you have so much going for you.

If I knew that the last time I saw you was on your front porch, I would have driven away a little slower. I would have charished it more.

There's nothing I can do. I'll pry never see you again, and there's no pysical proof that you ever existed. Only in my memories will there be any recolection. Even my memories are beginning to fade.

Perhaps one day we will see each other when we are both 40. I will hope to hear of your prosporus life, and a loving family.

Best regards,
Ryan

2006-09-02T20:56:00.000-04:00

So I've had a pretty interesting weekend. Yesterday evening a friend of my sisters came up to visit her, so it was kinda cool just to see someone from down south. I've also spent some time with my sister because of it as well, so it works out.

I've had a few great discussions with people over the past couple of days too. I started school tues and even sence then I've been blessed to not get stuck at home alone. I've had someone each night to hang with or talk to. School by the way is great. All my classes are on tuesday and thursday, from 11 to 5. I have a 4 day weekend, plus wednesday off. Sweet. This may be a chance to try some new things in the ministry I'm trying to kick off.

Tuesday night we played at crusade. It was rediculous. Ya know I'm there to serve and do a good job at what I do. I still felt gratified although my efforts didn't seem to matter too much. Just as it always was with that group. No one cared about the band, it was just there. They expected it, and never showed appriciation. Back in my sophmore year I feel back into my hopeless romantic state because of this. I would constantly see people that could potentially be my friends. I also saw some beautiful young ladies, yet there was always a hint of arrogance or some kind of barrier that I just could get though. I never felt cool enough for them. To this day, I keep in contact with absolutly no one from that group. It's like they just didn't care. Not one bit.

Wednesday night ponce came over and hung out. It was a good time. I had some wine, and i was in a pretty good mood. He ended up spending the night, and I felt good being able to provide and help someone out. Even if it wasn't saving his life or anything, it was just something very small perhaps. Little things reflect the big thigns I guess.

Earier that night josh came over on a whim. We hung out for a several hours, talking about this or that. It was a great time of conversation and encouragment. We see eye to eye on a lot of things. He's 26, and brings a fresh light to a lot of things. He also told me about a web site called boundless. It's great. I've been reading off that for a little bit. It has a lot of great little articles about different topics. All of them are driven towards the 20 somethings demographic.

thursday I had a great day at school. everything went pretty well. It's good to be back. That night my friend Steve came over. I know him from way back when in the school of music. We had a good time just chilling...literarlly. We sat out back just looking up into the sky and talking about the different crap that happens in our day. Eventually we went inside and started taling about the supernatural. We ended up talking for at least two hours on that alone, and had a great disscusion about it. It didn't spare anything, in fact, I ended up making a good bit of sence. Some times the things I say come out like a bundle of random ideas. He had a ton of great thing to say as well.

Friday I redid my bathroom, see below. The night went great. My roomate found out he got a job, so he was happy. ...ya know, like a real job, one you get with your college edj. So we had some friends over, and had some beers and wine to celebrate. It was funny, cause my sister was there. I knew this would happen, where the image would shift a litle bit from when she knew me as a high school student, to who I am today. It's not a bad shift, but one that's more mature, one that's more liberated from the crap that we put up with in our home town. One that's free. I also mowed the lawn on friday as well.

Today we took megans friend along with a few others to quodba. All enjoyed. It was neat.

I'm about to get outa here for tonight. Get me my dose of Sal-laSA!

Bathroom Fixup

2006-09-01T17:51:00.000-04:00

So after a month of my towel hanging over the toilet paper and making it soggy, I decided to make some changes and updates to my bathroom. My roomate has a few personal touches that made mine look like crap. So I figured i'd add some of my own creative touches. I decided to get some new hardware for hanging handtowels, and full size towels. Installed it, and changed out a light switch cover with a sinny metal one. I also got some green blue stuff just to add some color. Check it.

Now I can hang grand towl on wall with no touches Toilet Paper, yes?

This is where you go to the bathroom.

This is where you wash your hands.

2006-08-28T18:03:00.000-04:00

Here's something I wrote in my main journal back in march. A lot of this stuff I think is good to think about.

It seems as if I'm in all the wrong places. I believe in having confidence in what you do have, but it just seems as if I've missed the mark. I looked on a girls profile, and I know several of her friends, and there even doing like activities that I could easily fit in the same kinda group, but no....I'm in a completly different planet. Our paths have only crossed once or twice and that's it. Ya know, i'm goign to write her a note on facebook...hold on. haha, I think that went pretty well. I mentioned Brad a collegue of hers in a singing group. I was just thinking how if you really do love someone, you'd be willing to be an unsung hero. If that person went on to be with someone else that was more fitting, or perhaps because of the circumstances, was unable to be wtih you, you would with good intent be happy for her. Not because your a good sport, but because you love her. It's like adoption, or passing on a child to extended family. If you are in poverty with a 2 year old and have the oppertunity to pass your child on to your father in law for care, would you do it. if there were someone in your family that would almost garuntee success in that childs life, would it be worth you letting go? At what point to you sacrific for the other?

A man with ambition has no time for family, yet when the time comes to have a family does that mean his life and ambitions have to stop? some men are bad fathers because they're consumed with thier passion or goals. At what point do you break your own abitions to give your offsping a better chance of thier own. And if they return the same style of parenting to your grandchildren does anything ever get done? Is it possible to be both, and father and a man of amition and great accomplishment? There may come a time where I have to set down the musician carrer full of traveling and playing on the road, and stay at home. Which is what I'd like to do anyway, but as an example, my family and my responsibilties there would inhibit a full effort towards my carrer goals. Perhaps it's only relative. I guess in the end it's love that gives the child over to adoption, it's love that makes a father put aside his ambition to raise a child right. it's love that is the unsung hero. It's that sound of Love, that singing, that will live in the minds of those offspring who follow.

Love is willing to let go Progression of the mind and degression of the pysical world

2006-08-28T12:58:00.000-04:00

I found this in someones profile, a girls profile:

Girls are like apples on a tree. The best ones are at the top of the tree. The boys don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead they just get rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right boy to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

What if the tree represents arrogance? I'm just saying, what if?

2006-08-28T02:53:00.000-04:00

so I guess this is what it meant
I guess because I can only dream shattered dreams
even my dreams have no form
running this way and that, just as the wind
not of my own wish...the world is a crewl place

So maybe this is what she ment
maybe she didn't believe in it
maybe I was one of the many
phases of life will rise and fall
and once more I can hear failur's call.

There's only so much I can do
I'm watching all warmth being glossed over with blue
yellow's and oranges, all lost thier spirit
Perhaps the past will stay in the past never to surface again
My instinc says one things, while my hopes say another.
My hopes are far from this place.

Sundays always suck.

Here's me in my glasses

2006-08-23T18:33:00.000-04:00

2006-08-17T00:56:00.000-04:00

So at 23, I feel at least 25. Yesterday I had a collection of different thoughts in my head. Some of my troubles were improving while at the same time another one was dragging me down.

First of all, over the summer I ended up getting myself sued over unpaid rent because of a unoffical subleaser paid absolutly nothing. I didn't have to pay anything, but that was off the books. I was legally responsible, but ethicly it was my roomates doing. So between him and I, he was going ot have to shell out the money. I guess that's all good, but I'm still having to whipe of crap from the utility bill that were late, and unpaid, so I'm still getting over that hurdle.

Secound, I met an amazing girl and we had a great week together. It was incredible, and definatly boosted my confidence some. However, getting to this point was absolute F'ing hell. I had life figured out that no matter what I wasn't going to find someone like that again, and I just lost my chance. I thought that this was one of those "times" to fight and not to give up. I thought that anything after that, wouldn't have compared to it, and it would have been below standard...which I still think there is a lot of truth to that, because my standards just got a lot higher...in a good way. I used to determine my standards by my confidence level a bit too much, which in turn effected which women I found attractive, or should we say, "I could see myself with". Now I really don't care about that leage stuff. Thanks to Melissa I see myself in a new light. When I saw me wearing my crappy clothes she saw so much more. Now I see that "more" as well. I see something that has alot that could be appriciated. I see a lot that can be offered.

third, a friend decided to vamp on an old issue from last summer. I know thier intentions were good, yet sometimes thier advice hard to swallow, and it's hard going down. It got me worked up a little, but somehow I was able to just move on, and today I made little victories to proove to myself that i still had "it", regarless of what was said by my friend. soon I was back on my feet and really didn't think much of what had been said. I accually found my own feet without running back to disproove or argue with that person. Later that friend called me and just wanted to make sure I was doing ok. It ment a lot. I told him or her that I was encouraged on some of the advice, yet damaged on other things he said. I told him or her that I knew it was out of good intentions and we arrived on good terms. him or her, him or her, him or her. Ha

So while I was replacing the door I kicked in I was thinking of how I'm completly over taken this week. In a sence I'm at rock bottom, but that's ok. i've had some very intimate moments with friends about struggles, and thier stuggles, and I've learned to see things in a new way.

Here's a picture of the new door. Man I kicked the crap out of the old one. It was awsome. I think some of your finest moments are birthed out of your worst moments. Perhaps in a way, that was the case here. A new beginning, and new change. A fresh start.

Re Vera
In Truth

2006-08-13T20:58:00.000-04:00

How can you justify loving someone if there is a possibility of it never being returned? But then again, loving for the sake of personal gain wouldn't be love at all. Is it really a bad thing to expect to be loved?

I think love is that you give your care to that person, without the expectation of return. So, can you waste love? I think you can waste effort, but you can't waste love. If you think love was wasted, then it wasn't love in the first place now was it?

I can't be a slave to this as I once was. Gone are the days where I was hopeless romantic. That was my flesh. Here are the days that I live free. I'm free because I no longer have to live by the normalcy of this world. I have been bought with a price, yet I am free because now I have an ability to deny my own flesh. I am no longer a slave to romance.

Whatever she wants I will respect. However, this has just begun. I have not given up.

Re Vera

2006-08-13T15:55:00.000-04:00

How much would you be willing to take for the sake of love? How much would you sacrifice for a chance to develop that love into something that could possibly be great. I don't know. At the moment I'm having my doughts. I'm not going to give up though, I just know that at times we have to go through hell just to keep up the relationships we have. I will not give up out of bitterness! However if I have one weakness that would be it.

The hopeless romantic mindset ate me alive in my earlier years, and I don't plan on letting it sneak up on me now. I guess I'm going through stages of emotional illusions. I know the facts: I have a great life, with a very promising future ahead of me. I know that she hasn't forgotten about me. However I started wondering ever scence I got on facebook two hours ago.

I wonder if friendship will turn to acquaintance. Acquaintance turns into postcard relative, and relative turns into a complete stranger. Or is there still momentum? If we keep each others interest, then certainly there can be momentum. However my wonders still chase me around my house, and I find myself being unproductive. I find myself just sitting and thinking, instead of trying to make fruits of my labor.

Faith, Hope, and Love.

Faith. I have faith in my Father. His spirit will lead me, as he already has. Somehow before all this happened I felt like it was eminent. So we talked about the issue, and when it happened, I think we both feel back on what we shared with each other the previous night, making the present time easier. The other night while I was driving, I was relatively calm most of the ride. The last hour was different. My heart opened up like a book. I look ahead of me and I witnessed an amazing sun set. The sun illuminated the edge of the cloud like a neon light. Then rays of light shot upward in all directions. It was a sign of power, a sign of peace. To my north was a storm. The sky was completely black, and I even thought there might have been a tornado. To my east, behind me, I was overtaken by a pink and purple that completely filled the sky. I rolled down my window and looked completely behind me. It was too amazing to just look at it through my mirrors. I though of the times that God reveals Himself in the clouds. Exodus, when he led his people, Act when Jesus ascended into Heaven. I saw God’s glory, and His greatness. I told God how good of a job he did that night on the sky, He said thanks.

Hope. As I looked at the sky, and was praying I asked him if he even heard me. If he even cared. I told him I only know how to do so much, and can’t read the future. I asked him why did he give me warnings of this, or why this is even happening. I had doughts that life itself was just out of control and that he wasn’t doing anything about it. And He spoke. I was listing to this trance house stuff, and at that moment there was this very raw saw tooth synth that started playing. I always thought it a really cool, and dramatic part of the song, but this time it had new meaning. At that very moment God told me, “I AM”. Claming ownership in the world itself, and all things that were happing. It blew me away. All I can hope is that He will give me a second chance.

Love. Is all this worth it for a chance to love? I hope so. I’m a man of my word. When I told her I believed in her, I ment it. I told her she should take the job, even though it would be the end of me, because I know that it’s possible to show a loving act towards someone, even if they don’t return that affection. I know this to be true, because my Father sacrificed everything, in hopes that we would accept His love, and follow him. He risked everything in hope of us appreciating that act of love. I have lost my life because I’ve traded it in to receive everything. Cor. Says how we die to ourselves to recive the life of Christ. At this point I have nothing to loose. I’ll continue to love the person to sued me for money, I’ll continue to love my neighbor, who no one else on my street really likes. I’ll continue to be patient and understanding of Miss. Admirable herself because I’m willing to take that risk. I don’t care if I ever get it back. At least I know I’m not at falt for not loving.

2006-08-12T01:53:00.000-04:00

so my significant other decided today after a phonominal date last night, to call it off this morning because she accepted a job which would give a huge boost to her carrer. I don't blame her, however I still wonder her reasoning, and I'm respectfuly giving her space to do what she wants. I'll pry call her in a couple days to just talk and see how she's been.

Her picture is on my desktop and even with the alchohol, her pic still reminds me of the pain I felt earlier today. I'm not sure what she was exactly thinking when she called, or perhaps it's something I did that she's not telling me. I'm really note sure. This is the secound break up that I've experianced that I havn't gotten a clear reason of why it has happened.

I had an amzing time talking to my Father on the way home. So much so, that I can't tell you what he said, melissa, you'll have to find out later. But it was GOOD. I saw the most amazing sun set, where it just outlined the clouds with a bright white line, while the red sun was setting benith the cloud itself. It was an amazing time of worship.

So I'm really not sure what happened today. All I know is that someone called me, and everything from the last week was completly vanished. I should have called the cops, it was that bad.

So when I got home, I went out to publix and bought a bottle of wine. Mike was going to come over to get the key, just in case I wasn't here in time for his going away party that he was having at my house, have you. well, by the time he came over with 7 other of his friends, and one from camp of this summer, I had drunk most of the bottle of wine. I can say that I was very relaxed. I didn't think twice. I didn't have any worries. I didn't have any thoughts of weather the music was really loud or not. But we blasted it and had a salsa part in my living room. Just out of no where. Mean while, I'm basicly drunk from wine, teaching people how to salsa dance. I don't know why I didn't care. I just don't care when you've had such a hard day.

I just don't care anymore. I even had my fake glasses on tonight, that I got from labri. They are awsome. totally chill, and coffee house. I didn't even think of it when I answered the door, remember...no hesitiation. In fact...I'm writting this only moments after the fact. so...I still don't care.

I've falllen so hard today, and most of my friends are shocked and don' think that what happened was right, or that I should have let it happen. But I want her to do what's best for her. I told her strait up that I want her to take the job. And saying that, I sealed my fate, I sealed my existence in her life. Because it was either the job or me, supposivly. I'm still not sure why it's one or the other, but I really do care for her. So I told her the best answer for her, not me. even though it killed me to say it. Even though I sobbed most the way home.

Then I found five dollars.

2006-08-09T02:09:00.000-04:00

ya know I reciently have been extreamly blessed with a very dear companionship. What I'm saying is that I have a girlfriend now, and it's been a new set of emotions that come along with it. She's from Tampa, and myself from tallahassee. How is that going to work? or whatever. How do I spend time, yet give space.....all those things I've asked myself in the past couple weeks, and we accually have talked and worked out some different ideas on issues. It's almost because we can see a challenge of being in two different cities is forcing us to think more effective for the relationship and focus on what we have to work with. I think it's very good though....anyway my plan wasn't to tell the whole world what's going on in my personal life, yet touch on something a little different.

Some of my friends are excited/happy for me, and it's all good. They have reason to be, she's an incredible woman. However I accually got someone laughing at me, because they just flat out didn't believe that this whole thing was true. He thought it was a joke, and I let him go on and make his own conclusions about it. I didn't even defend myself, and quite frankly, I have nothing to defend. I'm confident in the facts, so there is no thret. No need to defend. Let the others die to those conclusions. Anyways....I at first found this halarious. Oh was it going to be so good when the truth came out. I even told her this, and sure it was funny then. I think what makes it so funny is that we all know each other, so it's very clear to them of who this girl is. Perhaps he doughted that I could, or just didn't believe in me. Didn't believe that I could accually attract and have a intellegent conversation with a woman. I don't know. I just think back to the years of unspoken thoughts. Eventually you figure them all out. It's just like a siloette. (sp?) You can see what you don't see, because of the lack of light. This all got me thinking of why I put up with this abuse.

It seems in a world where everything is coming together to function for one purpose, this is the one thing that simply pays the bills. that's it.

When your day comes

2006-08-06T11:24:00.000-04:00

when your day comes...don't forget the nights that you've already lived through. don't forget the things you learn along the way. Don't let those lessons learned, be lessons wasted. Don't let them blow away like a past memory. don't let the blessings of the day let you forget who you are in the night. It was in the night you learned who you were and what you were made of. It was in the night that your Father gave you inspiration for your music. You'd wake up the next morning and not believe what happened last night, and that you didn't write something like that. Kind of like the authors of the Bible, it was the Truth that wrote it. That's why your name means "In Truth". In the night, a single light can illuminate an area. A light does the most good among darkness, but in the light it does nothing. This is the world you are called to. Your called to the darkness of the world. The uncharted territories. This is your mission.

Don't let go of all this, just because things are good. Don't get too comfortable with yourself. Don't forget who you are in the Truth. Take in all those blessings and enjoy it as much as you can. Know that this is only something directly from God himself, and that it's not just of chance. Giver her some space, because she has that right. She has your respect. Make sure you act like it. Don't ever loose sight of the big picture. F the american way of life. That "life" only has fake things that mimic the real life you can find in His Kingdom. Everyday you wake, looking forward to seeing what God can do today. Each moment you know that the things you say are being watched by your Father. Know that you can be on the front line if you want to be. Gosh don't water things down. those people need the thing that you carry. They just don't know it. Perhaps they'll reject you, but that's love isn't it. Love sometimes doesn't get loved back. What do we have to loose, our Father already put it all on the line. He said, "I'll die and pay the price, even if they won't accept what I'm giving them". He offered His love long ago, yet so many reject his love each day. His love is still there as a hard fact of history. Galgotha can testify to this and it's blood stained dirt. I guess some love will just be thrown away and never taken in. Never appriciated.

Don't ever forget the things that define you, but enjoy the blessings when they come your way. This is the life that He was talking about. It's not just for when you die...you can live that happiness right now. You can live that life now.

Depravity

2006-08-05T16:52:00.000-04:00

It's seems like the mind progresses forward as the world around us falls apart. Our bodies age, and things fall apart and break after years of use. Some how our minds mature with the same age that takes a toll on our body. The mind progresses, grows, and learns. It's almost as if our minds are not of this world and it's rules of degrading, yet somehow programed differently to reflect something greater....something not of this world.

Movie theaters are filled with stories of the underdogs rising to the top. The average guy landing the miss america, or the basket ball team from the bronx going head to head with the private schools in Manhattan. Storys of this, are replayed and replayed almost as if the world want's to believe in something of hope but they just don't know what that hope is. They want to believe that there is something, or someone out there that will bring justice to the world, and set things right. This world is full of curse peoples, for things they can't help but avoid. Those of us that know the Truth, know the Answer.

I pray to the Answer, that each day I will be an ambassidor of the Truth. If I would be so honored, I'll go as far as He'll take me.

Re Vera

love

2006-07-27T15:05:00.000-04:00

A lot of times we take a step back and look at what we have, but most of the time it's just the opposite. We look at what we don't have, and what there's a lack of. And you wish you could just reach out with your hand and grap it. it's so close yet seems to be so far away at the same time. You wish that by a miracle someone would come along and fill that void. Even if it where a stranger, you would let him/her hold your hand. Someone to break the cultural bonds, the rules that say something like that can't happen.

someone recently descibed to me a situation where a group of people where off apart from the rest of the world at a youth camp. In a sence, they were all alone from the world but together. Alone together. Soon most guys started looking at the girls and the girls started looking back. Soon you were a minority for being single, and every saturday night there was movie night. There's somthing in us that pycological that at night we experiance lonliness, and for her that was when it set in like a slow cloud filling up the harbor. The others when on with thier movie, lying on the floor snuggling, while she had no such luxuries. These cold nights sound painfully fimiliar. In my early college years this is the exact situation that ruled my life. It was something that I let control my life, and it was a sort of addiction. A fear that set in that I was valuble, yet thrown away. Hope became painfull as that hope highlighted the very void in which I did not have now, yet wanted so despiratly.

There was a girl that I was drawn to that I never had a breaking moment with. I was never alowed in her life, and quite frankly, she had a agenda, that only a select few who had a secret quality were fit to be her friend. It was like, there was a qualification to be in her company. Possibly self centered and goal orianted to the point where the heat for cooking food was now spreding and catching the house ablaze. Such an outstanding young lady yet one could only catch her attention if your just her "type" and meet her while on a mission trip to south america. How is this love? She was diversified, yet americanized. Sure, let's go all around the world to do missions and help others, but as long as it enriches who I am, and is for self embetterment. and lets be selective of who I hang out with, because I don't want to be contaminated by others. This is such crap.

This is all speculation of coarse, but from what I've heard, this is about how it goes. There was love avalable, yet that love was looked over and shot down with a civilized, "no thanks". No consideration, no thought to what the possibilities could have been. The best people on this earth are those that don't censor thier thoughts or words according to the culture. It doesn't matter what is the norm, or way of life. They say the truth wether it be popular or not. The road is narrow and few travel it, the bible says.

I am here to be an ambassator of truth. I know the truth, and and so do many others, but perhaps they don't live by it. If my intuition was correct about her, I pray that that one girl of my past would see the world, as it is swarming with the work of the Kingdom of Heaven, and God's host of workers, human and spirits. As for her, months ago I gave up trying to persue her, and simply turned my back. It's just yet another reason to keep working hard at my calling.

My current situation has never been better. I am stronger and more pure in who I am by who God has made me to be. I am becoming one. I am feeling a completness like never before. All areas of my live are coming together to be one. I'm the same person that I am at church that I am at a club. I'm currently talking to a girl that seems very cool, and I find her very interesting. She has a sort of dignified beauty about her, yet still very untammed. Still free of the congeston and legalism. It is my worry that I'm just more of a comfort fix for being away and lonly at camp. The bubble she lives in while being at camp, I know from experance, can do strange things on the mind. I would hope, and have been praying that she'll remember me outside of that bubble. When she goes back to her normal life, it's my hope that I will have made a large enough print, and my words deep enough to have no faded away.

many times the things I do just fade away. For some reason the things that I did the one week i was there at the camp have echoed throughout the staff and the youth. She said that perhaps the ones that "arn't the life of the party" have the great effect. This made me think of how over the summer I decided to talk less. Don't try to make conversation if it isn't there. Talk about small talk if you need to, but don't do it for too long. This way when you speak each word carrieds more weight, because you havn't watered yourself down.

With all this said, I still find myself content and complete through the love and things that my Father has given me.

In Truth,

lofty ideas

2006-06-06T01:36:00.000-04:00

A lot of times i think the road just puts life under a microscope, and puts everything on the line. It seems like you end up with a dangerous combination of too much time, dought, and pletty of opinions. It takes a great deal of disapline to handle it at times. Sure you work through things, but afterwards your just flat out shaken. You learn that your a far thing from having it all together, far from what you had previously thought of yourself. That "residual image", the intangible view of who you are now cracked. A new shade, a new tone mixed in to the color of who you are. Perhaps not as bright as before, yet more aged.

It's almost as if a great palat of white paint represents the beging of our life. It relects all light. You could almost call it "youthfull". As we grow and mature into adult hood different colors are added, giving a spot of color to the white to the unexposed youth. Experiance after experiance the paint darkens while the colors fuse together to make a dim grey. The hearing and sight fades, and ambitions dwindles away. Everyone else seems brighter and quicker. As your sitting there in your "prime" you admire your grandchildren, and children. You see life in it's fullest, yet your colors shows your tried and true depravity long awaiting it's resolution. The dull black no longer refects any light as your youth and health has long faded. God's gift to man is soon to come with the passing of one life, and a start of another. As if mortality were a gift to have a secound chance to start over, yet this time in his presence and in the comunion with our Father.....finally you are home.

thoughts

2006-05-29T16:39:00.000-04:00

I'm starting to really see a separation of personalities here. Over the last 24 hours I've seen a huge difference in how I interact with people verses how my bandmates interact with the "campers". I just don't stretch mytself like the others, because honestly it's not in me to do so. If I were to do so, then I would be putting on a face. Putting on something fake that just isn't me, or topics that I have a concern for. Take our bass player. He loves to talk about little things, ya know small observations about different things. And it's great to listen to this stuff...but I could never do that kinda thing. I'm learning that just because I don't fit into the mold, doesn't mean that I'm doing something wrong. Just beause there are people, doesn't mean I have to go talk to them. this way, when I do talk to them, I am honest. My words are meaningfull because I havn't cluttered them already with usless crap.

Out of all the people that this really matters to is women. I try to be very practical when talking to girls, cause I wanna be honest with them. If they don't like it, so be it. I think honesty is a huge virtue, and sure I may not stray from that even in small talk....but they're just going to have to get used to it. I'm not goign to be one of those that just talk simply to talk. I'm not like that. I can be very serious, but very light hearted at the same time. I'd like to say that I'm good at discussion, but only the discussion that has direction. I can lay down a huge blanket of encouragment for my friends when in need, but you won't see me talking about random things that arn't natural for me to talk about. I don't try to bend myself in that way. This is true for my discussions with women. I don't hold back, and sure sometimes it's messy. Today I got myself in trouble, but I'm not regretting it. What I am regretting however is when it came time to explain myself, something that is a strength, she ignored me, and I was passed on as a gimmick. A jerk, and a waste of the masculine figure.

I flat out told them that it pissed me off when they wouldn't let me explain myself. There was another guy there who was also getting hammered by the group of girls. They were saying he was calling them shallow, and he just couldn't defend himself enough. No matter what he said, it just seemed to bounce around the walls and off into space.

It seems I have an affection for women. A genuine love for them, and with an intentino that I eventually will call one of them mine, and she likewise. I appriciate thier sensitivity, intuition, and care for detail. I also think that the way I percieve life, talk and communicate works well with what women like to hear from a guy. At times I'm very talkative, and expressive of my emotions. I'm told that's rare for a guy. So I think there's alot going good here, however it's hurts the most when a woman offends me. They out of all people can put me down faster than any social adversary. It's not an insult, but a cut down to my spirit. The same spirit that expressive itself with all it's fiber. The same soul that gets inspriation from the pit of the night, when evil and darkness comes alive. It's then I know my Lord still reings, even in the darkness. In the morning the light shines on the land, vegitation feeds off of the light, and provides food for it's inhabitants. During the day the earth comes alive. This is the soul that is always there for me, weither dark or light. In the stillness of night my soul comes alive, against the surrounding darkness, yet is killed when femininity strikes. All art, all words of kindness, all confidence, and the fact that I'm made in His image....it all goes to Hell. My flesh takes over, and sin overcomes what was good.

With all this said, I offered her my chair and left.

The House

2006-05-25T14:09:00.000-04:00

Well, Monday morning I closed on my first house. I'm still very busy today with showing the video tonight, and getting in early this morning. tomarrow I'll go to the graduation, and then drive back up to tally, only to leave the next morning for GA. From there I'll be on the road for five weeks, and spanning the distance of CO and TX.

I'll have to update on the house. I'm sure I could post some photos as well. We spent a solid three days putting in laminate flooring, and making various improvments to the house. In july when I'm done with the tour, I plan on putting in the garden, and doing more decorating to the family room. It should be a lot of fun. I think I'll post some before and after photos on there. that should be fun.

Well gotta make a run. i'll see ya.

Alone Together

2006-05-18T23:01:00.000-04:00

Here's something I wrote a few weeks ago while on a short trip. I'm reposting it, just to keep it together with the rest of my blog. Enjoy.

Well, I'm over 600 miles from home, and stuck in some random city on the coase, playing in front of people I don't know. Sure it's great, and it's a ministry. It's exciting to play professionally, but your aways away from your friends and family. No time for side projects, no chance to get to know new friends. In that sence, the 5 of us, are alone together. Our guitarist is getting married in a few months, so were all excited with him about that. Seems like if I just had someone to call, all would be well. I'm just disturbed.

The other thursday night I asked the guys, who could I find a spouse that would be serious about Christ. It seems nothing short of a miracle to find a woman that fits well with my odd personallity. You can say in modern terms would compare winning the lotto to find a woman that has simular ministry ambitions.

Gosh, my church is only about 40-50 people. The grand idea of finding my wife in the church has long passed. The whole idea of the church in my mind has gone to crap. All full of BS, and fake smiles. Fake laughs and jokes to impress. After you've wasted over an hour singing songs you lost your appeal for, and sat through a sermon that you'll soon forget, you excheange anecdotes between some random people, and go about your life. See you next week you say, and that's that. Honestly I'm tired of the crap. Alot of people go to church, cause it's the "place to be". A great youth group, called "the zone", and a twenties something ministry called "Excellerate". Motion graphics and cool lighting, all which make you get the impression your doing well in this church life of yours. What about your real life?

Recently it's been brought to my attention that I could be doing a whole lot more with myself. Tallent that is unused, and words never spoken. I let people wonder in the streets looking for food, and women get abuse in bars, and I don't do anything. A couple words come to mind to take action: courage, balls, no secound thoughts, follow your heart. Gosh, if only I would have done this, I might be in a whole different world.

A purpose

2006-05-18T00:53:00.000-04:00

ya know, a lot of poeple try and pass me off as some strange guy. some guy that really doesn't have all that much cofidence, but maybe with a lot of potential. And I may have so much, but I just don't believe in myself, or what my capabilities are. Quite honestly, I really don't know where I fit in. I've have several best friends one for each stage of my life, but I never really found a niche of people that I can have a common bond with. Most of the time my fellowhship with others has nothing to do with females, perhaps because girls might be afriad of out of the box thinking. Maybe it's because most don't and can't frame me into a type of person, they just don't get me. I could almost say that it's a fact, that any girl I've gotten close to, or dated, has "gotten" me. And in this sence, my mom is pry the only one that really gets me. My sence of humor, my anti-conformist thougths. Secound would be my friend Jason. You could say that humor is the way to my heart, so about any of my friens that I can get a good laugh with, those are my close friends. Iv'e never had a ton of friends, the ones you can call up if you just wanna hang. There's often times where the few friends that I know I can call, arn't avalable. Of coarse I should call new friends you say? But then again, I feel I'm intruding because I don't know sports, or I don't think a certain way. On top of this I'm having this oppression lifted off of me that says, "stay clear of those public school kids, they don't have the same values as you do". So I have this subconcience fear that I'll be percecuted just by being in the same room with non-christians. Much more so when it comes time to sit back and get to know a stranger at a pub or bar, I feel as if I have a secret to hide, or that they're going to drag me down, or make me conpromise on my values. I have learned this just to simply be fear, and nothing more.

So I have these two forces working against me. One of them is only my fear. The other one is just how I'm built. I think I'm in a time where I have to reject this fear of being persecuted for being of differnent faith and move on. However I'd like to mention a bit more on my personality, and why there is nothing wrong with it. Some would say that I'm not assertive enough or I don't have confidence. Sure, not enough for the average person, to be like everyone else. I believe I'm made for a spacific purpose, one that only a few are able to do, and I must rise up to this purpose to fullfill my potential. Kinda like how each member of a church/body has a purpose, or a stength that he/she can contribute to the whole. What if someone with great skills simply didn't contribute. Just let it rot away.

You could say this would be like a great person of history never rising to the occation to change the coarse of that history, and slipping away into the sea of people. There is nothing wrong with seeing it this way. I've heard so many times that individuals that were in the spotlight, like artists, writters, ect, were often excentric characters. I think that they're just built differently. Could the great minds share thier passion with like minded friends?....I'm not sure they could. Perhaps they were alone in the things, ideas and passions they had. Perhaps they were complete outcasts becasue of it. some where even arrested for not fitting the mold. (early england church, communist governments, ect) Perhaps I have a chance at doing something other than ordinary. I'm not saying I'll go down in the history books, I'm just saying I need to respect the potential I may have, to do whatever it may be, at whatever degree.

I'm not nessisarily talking about size here. At the root of a president is a single man. People of NYC are the same size as people from Niceville. I'm not trying to be pampus about this. I'm just saying I'm not a waste of flesh and blood. I refuse to live a ordinary life.

Art

2006-05-11T01:39:00.000-04:00

So tonight I went out to walmart at midnight and a half, and just went for a walk around the store. I had some things on my mind, and just needed a breather. Quite honestly I just needed to get out, and go for a little drive. While I was there, I noticed the posterboards. I decided to pick up a few, so I could do some of my art if I felt like it. Over the years I've kinda developed my own style of blacklight art. Very simple and abstract, but effective I think. Basicly take some neon poster board, and cut out the shapes to make up a face or whaterver you want. In the end you have this minimalistic-abstract thing that glows in the dark. Looks cool. Anyone that knows me well enough will know that all this art I make up really means something. One piece I made 3.5 years ago, I still have kept, and as of now, it's my make-due cd art. Partly cause it says something about me, and that spirit of artistic value still holds true.

So I was thinking, cause i'm going to have this hardwood thing going on, I figured it'd be cool to make my family room like an art gallery or something. Kinda like a loft, but with a house slant. So then I start thinking about art, and how cool woud it be, sence I'm on a pretty tight budget, to do my own art. Crap, I could even have blacklights on a switch...in the family room/dinning room area. Then have some spots come down from the ceiling that shine on the walls. yeah.

Well anyway, it'll be good.

Preps for Renovations

2006-05-10T21:09:00.000-04:00

So I went over to a house today to check out the hardwood floor. Really I'm speaking of laminate here, but for most of you, it's the same thing. Laminate is accually fake, but still looks like wood and much more durible. So I'm going to put some in my house in tallahassee. Should look real classy. Ya know the type of look that you got style. So I'm exciting about this. It's like new start for me. A new major in college, new house, and new beginnings for bad habits that have creeped up.

Currently I hate cooking, we have roaches, and I'm really not motivated at all to do anything in the kitchen. My new kitchen has tile counter tops that look really really sharp. Great kitchen, brand new appliences, and after we do the new flooring, I think it's goign to be a huge face lift for hte house. It will feel brand new. Crap, an older home was the way to go. Sure fix it up your self, but save money in the long run.

Looking forward to being able to practice as much as I want. Currently, someone's alwasy watching the dang tv. I own the tv I might add. I always feel like i'm disrupting the rest of the house when I play drums. what the crap.

It's time to get control of life again. Pull myself together.

Christain Woman

2006-05-10T00:51:00.000-04:00

Here's what I think of Christian college girls. A waste of time. Sure they're great girls, but don't even try to ask one of them out, cause if she's not ready to marry you, then that would be vulgar to go on a date. So she trys to avoid you in a nice way, giving you a smile and a "we'll see" about that idea you came up with for this weekend. It's the kinda smile well known to middle class suburbia, the kind that she learned from her parents, where the whole economy thrives on patting each other's back, and being politically correct. You check on the facebook and it says she's "looking for friends". The next week she's with some guy, that just happened to somehow crack his way in the hidden agenda of Mrs. Spiritutal here. So he ends up with the girl, only because he played some stupid board game, watched Princess Bride three times or just happens to work at chick fillet too! ...christain fastfood! They both shop at Lifeway, and listen to JoyFM. Yeah sure, they do all the pop stuff too, but that's point of this isn't it. In the end it was this huge attempt to have a more religious, Godly, and "right" way of dating. In the end, Christians are living no different from non, and in fact the devorse rates are about the same. What gives?

You see my point is that the christain girls i've come in contact with expect to find thier husband while on a mission trip in Peru. It's there that they'll find a young man, who is "on fire for God", whatever that means. That's just a bunch of crap, that goes round and round, until someone has to stand up and say "stop!". How much longer will we be smiling at our friends and saying where "fine", when we're crying for help inside. How much longer will we ignore the opposite sex, just because of a fear of leading each other on. A fear of taking it too religious and taking things too seriously. You see, you wouldn't take a christain girl out on a date just for fun. I've heard that she'll take it too serious and that's just toying with her heart. "She" says no to the idea ahead of time, and "he" doens't even try, cause he knows the rights and wrongs. Meanwhile, the rest of the world is use to the idea, and there's really not a problem.

I'm not making this up. BCM, and Campus Crusade for Christ of the FSU campus have been notorious for people not dating within the group. Ask one of the locals!

At the Crusade conference in panama city that we played at for two weeks. They had a "Diner of Love" that they made into a fun thing to do during the mettings. They competed for a prize, which was to get a seat for yourself, and a person of your choice to sit with you in the "Diner of Love". The idea was a 50's idea to "I'm a guy, your a girl...let's hold hands" kinda thing. Simple puppy love. So you win a seat and you pick a girl you noticed the other night, easy right? nope. They accually had to enforce people to pick the opposite sex, cause all the girls would pick thier girl friends, and if a guy one, he'd pick his bro. Can we not enjoy life for what it is?

I've been around for 4 years, so i'm not drawing this stuff up. What the crap? Why?

People are full of it

2006-05-10T00:25:00.000-04:00

Ya know, i'm really tired of people that are full of it. I couldn't tell you what's going on in my head if you paid me. I'm frustrated at most things, even objects, and I couldn't tell you why. I'm just flat out awnry. Perhaps it's just I havn't had a good day sence friday. Everything I've tried to do has been successfull, but a minor disapointment. The world seems to be going against the grain, and I find things to pick at certain things and how they're not right. Why.

Perpaps this dissoence is a good thing. Change would never happen if everyone was always happy. You'd be worried about a married couple if they have yet to argue, and it makes ya wonder, how can this be perfect? You wish someting would go wrong so you at least have the mind of ease to knowt that the problems came, and where fixed. Everythings ok. Perhaps problems are a welcoming element to life. Darkness and life, they can define one another.

I heard once that all great writters have a great disatisfaction in the land they live in. I've noticed that when i'm wondering about a girl, or "reaching" for a resolution of a problem, I have a hightened sence of creativity. In the summer, when nothing happens, all my ideas fade, and things become bland. During the year, the phones flyin off the hook, and the inspiration is right there, waiting to be flexed. Creativity waiting to be expressed.

I can't figure it out. Why am I down? Maybe it's my job, and how I feel like I've been traded. My skills no longer of any value. Maybe it's that I can't find a female vocalist. Does no one believe me? Does no one think I'm worth it? What the crap. I think i'm offering an incredible oppertunity here to sing some "cool" songs, someting different, something with a unique quality. Gosh, why wouldn't you want to be on the edge like that? Maybe it's that I have 30 something students to do a video for, a house to buy, papers to sign and hundreds of thousands to look foraward to having in my name in dept. Perhaps that's it, yet in reality those are all good things. I have a job, and will own real estate. Those are all great things, expecially for someone my age to already have those things.

I don't know. I think i'm in a great spot, i just dont' have anyone else around to make a comparison.