Saturday, November 25, 2006

painfull fasination

for the first time in a while now, i've begun to feel. I saw a couple pictures of her online and I was reminded of how beautiful she was. But what's the world without dreams. I've found myself in a daze.

Friday, November 17, 2006

so I've decide to close my account for facebook. All gone, bye bye. Straton was telling me how on some things it was hard for him because of facebook being a huge portal of "know all" informantion. In fact, most of it he didn't want to know or here about. sometimes ignorance is bliss. So I've decide that too much of my time is on facebook thinking about girl that I'd like ot have, or wish I have, and i'm taking a stand. I'm so tired of our culture, and quite frankly, why should I have the right to wish a culture could change, when I'm just one of them.

So reciently I've been evalutating my ethics and maturity. Some say this or that about me, and it leads me to think one thing. But honestly if I chase others around trying to please them I'll never get anywhere. Sure I shouldn't be complacent, but I have to be confident with what I DO have. I have to know that I'm ok for now, and that I shouldn't stress over what I am not. That's just plain stupid. I'm Ryan, I'm a visionary, I'm a wacked out forward thinker, I have a wildside, and an unpredictible side. I have a steady side that you could set your watch to. I have an intuitive side that most would misinterpret as a bad thing.

Quite honestly, this is everything that make up me. If I were to change something, I wouldn't be the same person. Sure I can improve from here, but without the "falts" I have today, I'd be somewhere ELSE, and then going from THERE to some far off place. the truth is that all I can do is work with what I have. I don't have what other people have, and I'm sorry. Go screw yourself.

Perhaps I'd feel better if I had a girl. But not really, cause that would just be covering up the real topic at hand. Then I'd be using her to justify something about myself, which isn't right.

The other night a couple of the guys were laughed when I said that we will eventually be married. They said they used to think like that but don't any longer. Well, I still think that I can find a woman who I think is absolutly georgous, and I still think that my prime is yet to come. I'm still young and still developing my purpose. I think I greaten my chance of finding a woman like the further I develope my skills and belonging. I'm prime is yet ahead. The kingdom his here, and it's time to learn to set aside the childish sins of my youth and live in the present. Live in the now. have my own ideas about myself, regarless of what others say. Do things without hesitation. I've learned that in spiritual warefare I am my own worst enemy. The sin of my flesh fights against what I know to be true, and I choose ways of death of ways of life. I'm praying for a breaking point. I'm praying that I'll break down so I can move closer to the ways of Truth. I'm starting to feel the pull for a major lifestyle change, one that isn't full of fleshly desires. One that I can accually hear what God is saying to me, because i have my eyes open to it. That's where I want to be.

Friday, November 10, 2006

So I just finished a rushed time for me in school. The good news is that the core classes I Ased the exams. The electives were accually more difficult and one of them was a paper I had to complete. Hopefull it'll pan out well.

So the garage is coming along. For the past few hours i've been taking down the tracks. At one point the 300lb door almost crashed down, but I held it together. Hopefully tomarrow well get a few guys together and build the wall.

So I'm going to a DCrowder thing tonight. I didn't even pay for the ticket, and quite frankly, DCrowder thinks my name is Duke. yeah...I got to meet him once out in waco TX. Most would rever this moment when they get to meet the oh holy one of praise music. Yet I figured I'd stick it to the man, and not even tell him my real name. He said back, "duke, nice to meet you". haha, in my own little way, I took advantage of the person that writes all the songs that I, the music, has to play for my job.

I'm still thinking about girls like always. I'm just a little discouraged. I found out my dream girl "Diana the Dignified" is no longer single. I also found out that Ashley the Adorable is also "in a relationship". Thanks facebook.

I always think that I'm not doing something right. Perhaps i'm not. Perhaps I'm just built different. Perhaps I have a solo purpose for a while.

I have no life within me. The life that IS within me is not of me, but is of Christ. I owe my whole life to Him, for he will give me life after the Life. I have nothing to complain.