Saturday, October 14, 2006

so I was talking to a friend the other day. I asked her if it was self-centered or selfish to want a pretty wife one day. I asked because the most beautiful women in the world don't think they're much to talk about when they have waken up to see the same face each day. However for the rest of us, it takes our breath away. Certainly having a beautiful wife would only be for my benefit. However she did ask me, "when a friend wants to help you, get you a gift, or serve you, wouldn't you want to show that person that you really needed help, or that they were a life saver. Wouldn't you want to make them feel good about serving and caring for the one they love? If this person was your wife, wouldn't you want her to think that she sets your world on fire? So..you should marry someone you think is pretty, not because it's for your own status, or vanity of having a hot wife. You marry that person cause they deserve to have someone that is all about them. That really appriciates them, thier beauty, thier personality, thier passions. After all, you want our wife to think your hot, if not how would that make you feel. What would happen to your confidence, or vise versa for the woman. How much better would she feel vs having a man that things she's average. No, that would be a shame.

so she didn't say all that, but I have a reasured view on this now. I dont' feel as bad about persueing a girl, and that it's not out of selfish crap.

Ya know I've noticed a pattern in the past three girls that I've gotten close to, that after I've gotten past initial stages of "does this person like me or not" I turn into a different person. I can stare her right in the eye, and not flinch a bit. I'm in the zone. I'm cool and confident, never loosing composure. I just wonder why I'm not like this more often. Why my confidence can't be like this more often, and why I can't just put up a sign that says "this is what I'm all about, this is where I'm going. Check it!" Nope, instead I end up secound guessing, worrying too much. I was thinking about this the other day, and I was like, "why don't I just try to find that zone and stay in it".

So I'm going Sal-la-sa tonight. Should be a great time. Last week went really really well. This week will be even better because some friend of mine are going along. Check it sucka!

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

monday, the day after sunday

not much happened, studied all day for a exam i have tomarrow. more to life than this. i quit for tonight.

the neighbor hates me. she hate's because I'm young. she hates my lifestyle, and the fact that I'm not settled down.

i asked a girl to lunch the other day. she said no. i tried, and i'm glad i did. it felt great.

tonight i had dinner out on the deck. moved the table out there.

we sprayed insulation into the attic the other day. i can feel a difference.

had my eye on Miss Georgous from church. her clevage was showing. realized it pry wouldn't ever work out.

people found matt. 5 simple and boring. they're right, simple it is...so profound. verses still ringing in my head. overtones of those simple truths still showing up. by the post office, by the train, by the bus. matt. 5 is everywhere.

Saturday, October 07, 2006

Will I ever reach the point where I'm not thinking for my best interest? Will I ever reach the point where I'm able to look at my pretty girlfriend because I love her, want to serve her, and am genuinly interested in her? Or perhaps I will fail once again into the trap of self-centered ambitions of having a cute girl by my side.

It seems that there alot of very down to earth people out there that I never come into contact with. And to think that there are all these down to earth cute girls out there that for some reason I'm not interacting with and getting to know...could be possible an illusion of my mind. Because certainly, many of these attractive women are not on same page as I am, and have totally different ambitions and passions. Thier political views alone would hint that those girls wouldn't be wife material. If the world were an equall place, I could go for any girl that caught my eye, but if I put away those perfect ideals in my head of "how it should be", then I find that I'm not at all wrong for where I am.

I'm single, kinda a loner, and still wondering why I can't seem to find a soul mate, or a female friend to get a secound take on things. I don't really hang out with girls as friends, and I'm not sure why. I really would like to change this. I don't know alot of things and I guess I'll have to move on without that understanding.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Loves

So I went on this retreat that we got hired to play at. It was a good time, but in a understanding kinda way. I wasn't expecting much, and I knew going into it was going to be a rough weekend. There was never really a time were I truly connected with individuals there. I made some people laugh, and I did give some effort into adapting and trying to get to know people there. I think I've figured out that that groups fellowship mainly functions through quality time. a lot of them are into sports, team sports that is, and most of the time is yelling and screamly rediculous things accross the room. Nothing of content, it's all about being there, at that time at that place, and participating in whatever the crap is going on. You don't have to be smart, or have anything in common really. So that's just a guess. It's kinda like pleasentville. Everyone gets a long but over no common interests. It's just because. Perhaps status, perhaps self centerness, perhaps because of something I'll never understand.

I'm feeling great overall. I couldn't care less about having someone. Although it's always something I've wanted, I just don't have that same despiration for it anymore. There's too much happening musically that's just very exciting.

Another thought. I was sitting on the toilet at McDonalds and a vision came into my head all of a sudden of me and my wife on the road doing ministry. I guess I was thinking about having someone else to help me and be with me while I'm on the road. the other day i was talking to a girl about marrage. she said she felt out of the loop cause she was almost 23 and still single. I've never thought of it like that. I'm 23 and feel fine as a bachlor. In fact I don't even have a girlfriend, so marriage seems far far away. But something came into my head about that too. Over the period of a week I started to see a future of where I may be heading. I'm not sure where these thoughts came from, but marriage has become something of the imment future and possible within the next couple years. I even saw it within the current situation which made it even scarier. Typically I think of getting married when I have this or that done, I own this, I'll be at this stage in life. But reciently it just hit me. I'm freaking 23 and that's not a bad age. I starting thinking of how I have wanted a cute girlfriend primarly out of selfishness just to have a cute girl. I had also thought about how it would just be nice to have someone to hang with and cuddle, whatever...but she didn't have to be perfect, cause after all, marrage is a long way away. Perhaps I thought this cause the couple girls I've gotten close to have been younger, so I thought that it would be a few years. Talking to this 22 year old I could sence that she was in a post college stage of life, a "single and looking for the one". I thought to myself, why am I not thinking like this. Why was I so upset over melissa, over not having a cute girl just to have one. Why arn't I thinking about, "is this the kinda girl that would support me and live and breath my passions?". Nope. Not at all. It was, "this girl is cute, and I wanna feel good about myself". I pray that I truely think my wife is the most beautifull woman in the world. I pray that God would bless me in that way, because honestly I think every woman deserves to be with a man who is really all about her. If not, that's just sad.

I'm praying that God will give me his perspective on things. That he would make me incredibly attracted, both pysically and intelectually, to Godly women. Women with character. Women with viture.

Currently I'm working on putting some new material on the myspace site for the ministry. www.myspace.com/sanctuaryone1.