Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Well, yesterday I have another day of school. Monday was a big day for me. I woke up to find that Comcast had betrayed us. We've paid the bills faithfully, and yet they make us call tech support for the secound time, only to say, "we don't have any record of your account". Comcastic! So I left to go to campus about 3, this way I could get more work done, and use the internet with my mac.

I got to campus and I was chilling for a while just listening to some trance with my in-ears and I notice a girl sit down in from of me about 3 tables down. I thouht to myself, "yeah she's kinda cute, ok whatever". I went on to do my work. After a couple minites I noticed there was a guy sitting down talking to her. She was smiling back, and he was just talking away. I saw they shook hands, so I knew they weren't really friends at this point. I thought to myself, "ya know I bet that girl likes that guy, cause of the look on her face". Sure enough, he got up to leave, and I noticed a little slip of paper in his hand. Man, why did I at least do that? It made me wonder.

Tuesday morning I got up, and put something down on the chair in my room. For some reason at that exact moment, I thought of the U2 song, "Your stuck in the moment, and you can't get out of it. You got to pull yourself to gether." or something like that.

So didn't think anything of it. I got home from school later that afternoon, and was talking to Myque Lopez about some remix thing, and in the middle of our conversation, he quotes the very song I thought of eariler that day. I thought, cool. I said, "God if this really means something make it show up for a third time."

An hour later I was off to a meeting for church. I ended up talking to a few people afterwards in the street outside. Straton pulls up and joins us. Eventually it's just us two and we talked for a few. They he's like, "hey you should hang out, some people are coming over to watch a U2 concert(of the earily 90's)". I was ok, well sure.

So I took that is the 3'rd time. The whole concert I really enjoyed. I'm not sure if that exact song was played, because it was the same album, but the whole thing I just took in like it was gosple. I took in the hope, I took in the justice I heard. I took in the despiration and the politics. So I left that night with encouragment to, "get yourself together, your stuck in a moment". ....a moment, perhaps that fatefull friday morning melissa called me. Perhaps the moment I last saw her, and thought I'd see her in just a couple weeks. Perhaps the moment I lost all my barrings from July.

So today I called work, to see what was up. She said she'd call me back when she knew the answer to my question. I went to quodoba for lunch, and sat outside to soak in the incredibly beautiful day. On the way there I was just thinking....this was my day. It wasn't a "day away from her", or "a day alone" or a "day I didn't have this or that". This day was complete. As is.

Just like I was in July, I had no despirations, no real needs. I was very happy and content. Strat notices this attitude change when he saw me in leasburg. Today was a great day for me. Even though I feel a little sick, I feel great. I fixed up my living room today, and took back some of my dignity. I went to eat lunch completly alone, and felt great.

I'm not sure if this is ignorance, or an attitude of pro-action. I told my sister monday night that I'm sick of the system. I'm tired of being a victim of that system, and it's running my life. I told her that it feels like I'll have to go to Europe to find a girl that's not in the system. I guess at the moment the system isn't bothering me. I think the power is in the attitude. I think the power is in speeking up. I think the power is in having a presence. I think the vice of the system is hesitation. I think vanity is another vice of the system. It rules poeple like none other. I guess what I'm feeling is that perhaps I'm ahead in the game. Perhaps I've been trying to date these 19 year olds and they just dont' get the same things. Why do this, or why do that. At the same time, the older girls I know are still younger than me by a year or so. I don't know why, but there's not that many older women around. all 85s, or 86s. Where'd all the 83s go?

So perhaps I just having been trying hard enough. Perhaps it's my hesitation that's killed me, and I try to make answers out of things I don't really know. Ya know, I don't know why girls at crusade are hard to get to know. I don't know why older women see to brush me off. Ok, so there's a few that think I'm funny, but the rest think I'm a joke. yeah...let'm have thier borring lives. Go on.

Don't be a victim of the system. The bible says don't be of the world. Know what's going on, and interact with it, but don't be of it.

Saturday, September 16, 2006

Well sence my last entry I've been kinda down. Perhaps it wasn't the greatest idea, however at least I got it out there. Ever sence i wrote it on monday i've thought so many times of how I never wish we even met. I've had flash backs to Wet'n'Wild, and eating at Cracker Barrel. She said she ment every word she said to me, yet in 20 years will she still agree with what she had said, saying, "yes now that I look back with half of my life past me, I'm still glad I told Ryan all of those things". Or will it be, "man I've gown so much sence then, and that relationship was nothing that my current marrage is now". I think the later will be the case. And it's a simple truth I know, yet a hard one to swallow.

I'm no longer dating girls that are that young. I think she was too young in a couple areas, thus she says, "not lining up" between you and me. I'm going to have it in my head that all hot girls are flirts, and are going to try to play around with my heart.

I'm sure my dream girl will come along, and I'll just ask her, "how do I know your not another melissa?". I'll make her proove it too me. As of now, there is a wall. I wish I never took that gig for that methodist camp. Before i was fine, now I'm dealing with barriors.

I'm sure I can warm up to a woman, however it will now take extra time between the "seeing stage" and the DTR stage. Trust has to be with time. It has to be earned. I've learned in life that the quicker things come about, the quicker they have the ability to disapear. She was carless with getting involved, and it was no big deal. At the same line of thought, it was no big deal to call me and completly shatter my heart. The quicker they come, the quicker they go.

I was thinking about this, cause my roomate is talking to a girl that's going to be in his city come January. It's a process that's started, and possibly could result in something. It's a very healthy possition to be in. I just wish I could have something like that. There's nothing more fun, then basking in the sunlight of knowing who you are, proud to be single, and delevoping a relationship at the same time. Where did those days of July go? The days were I worked on the house, called her from time to time, and they thought nothing of it, because after all, I didn't need anyone.

I guess the best thing for me to do, is to remind myself of those days. Remind myself, that yes I am still that person. I'm really in a great possition. I have a job, accually a couple of them. I have a personal sence of ministry and calling. I have a good sence of who I am as a person, and my confidence is growing better and better. I'm a home owner, and I have a studio way above my legue that's based out of my house. I see the greatest of these, my personal ministry and calling. That is why I have the job, that is why I would need a studio, that is why I would need strong confidence. In fact, I have found it in ministry. The other sunday I don't know what got into me, but I was confident, and knew "what I was doing". Nothing was planned, nothing was scripted. Not really the music either. All I can say is that it was all the spirit. All insecerities, all doughts of what I was doing and why, just went out the door. I've never really felt like a vessel until that point. ...well I did, but not that strong. It was amazing. My friends were like, Ryan I don't know why you fear getting in front of people, cause you were very confident and confortable. I said, "well i guess I never had a reason to get in front of people". I've never felt so strongly about an artistic idea, and I've never had this sence of artistic identity either.

Not sure if you caught this, but my attitude has changed between the last paragraph and all previous ones. I thought the whole "focusing on the things of God" was a joke and cliche, but it's definatly true today.

Ok well I'm djing tomarrow at a church, and gotta get set up. check it.

Monday, September 11, 2006

Dear Melissa

There are two things in life that seem to be inhumane. One of them is war. How could you kill someone else, when deep down you know they have family, and love the company of a woman, just as any man would. They have good memories of thier childhood, and love thier moms. Yet we kill each other. The secound creulity of life, is one founded right here in America. That is our dating system. You see, the very relationship that is supposed to be closer than that of our own father and mother, is auditioned and tried casually as if it were choosing the color of your car. So wrong, so defective of the world God created for us in the begining.

I don't understand these things, but I have no choice but to respect them. I have once again fallen victim to the system that snags us all. I had fallen for Miss Admirable yet in the end you turned out to be nothing but a image of both of our imaginations. Supposivly the "real truth" prevailed, and what we had, that magnificant attraction, fell to ashes in a matter of minutes. What's the "real truth", I have no idea. Perhaps it's that you never liked me. Perhaps it' that your a fake, or perhaps that your a flirt. Perhaps it was that you were just using me, or I was a confort guy until Alex became avalable. I'm not really sure what to think, and never will. Perhaps you don't care if I ever have a closure of why this all happened. You don't call me, so I guess you just don't give a damn.

So those times you said you always wanted to keep in touch, and that you valued me as a person....a complete lie. Or perhaps, not...I'm not sure. Why would someone who is innocent flee from the scene, never to be heard of again? I've heard nothing of you, and it does nothing good for a fair assumption about you.

This is my last messege to you ever that I instigate. Only if you contact me first will I talk back. Sure you're free to call, but know I don't know your number. I never memorized it, and that paper you gave me in the maze with your's burned to ashes. That was the death of us. That was the beginning up in flames. All photos, all notes, all facebook items or connections...completely deleted. I couldn't even call you or check your profile if I wanted to.

I could be mad at you, but considering you don't exist, I can't. I'm not mad, and in fact, I just had a great first in my life. I had a great moment where I learned i have something I never knew I had, and was a sort of birth of a new chapter in my life. My calling is now becoming clearer and clearer and it's extreamly exciting. I've also had a record co move some of it's gear to my house, and gives me a huge advantage to use the gear for the production of my music. It's seems as if all roads lead to Rome. All areas are coming together to form my Mission.

Melissa, I'm not angry at you. In fact, I'm just disapointed that I thought you were someone you weren't. I have no idea who this guy is, but I would pray that this relationship encourages your faith and walk with God. Please know that that relationship tops all others, and none is worth it for that sacrifice of the heavenly father love. The world is a crewl place, and I know this. I'm just a victum of a beautful woman. At least I know I have the ability, yet keeping someone of your stature is a task only you can control. What's beauty without self control, or wisdom to know which men are flirting, and which ones can truely love. What's your beauty if you end up being a flirt. Please don't go down that road, you have so much going for you.

If I knew that the last time I saw you was on your front porch, I would have driven away a little slower. I would have charished it more.

There's nothing I can do. I'll pry never see you again, and there's no pysical proof that you ever existed. Only in my memories will there be any recolection. Even my memories are beginning to fade.

Perhaps one day we will see each other when we are both 40. I will hope to hear of your prosporus life, and a loving family.

Best regards,

Saturday, September 02, 2006

So I've had a pretty interesting weekend. Yesterday evening a friend of my sisters came up to visit her, so it was kinda cool just to see someone from down south. I've also spent some time with my sister because of it as well, so it works out.

I've had a few great discussions with people over the past couple of days too. I started school tues and even sence then I've been blessed to not get stuck at home alone. I've had someone each night to hang with or talk to. School by the way is great. All my classes are on tuesday and thursday, from 11 to 5. I have a 4 day weekend, plus wednesday off. Sweet. This may be a chance to try some new things in the ministry I'm trying to kick off.

Tuesday night we played at crusade. It was rediculous. Ya know I'm there to serve and do a good job at what I do. I still felt gratified although my efforts didn't seem to matter too much. Just as it always was with that group. No one cared about the band, it was just there. They expected it, and never showed appriciation. Back in my sophmore year I feel back into my hopeless romantic state because of this. I would constantly see people that could potentially be my friends. I also saw some beautiful young ladies, yet there was always a hint of arrogance or some kind of barrier that I just could get though. I never felt cool enough for them. To this day, I keep in contact with absolutly no one from that group. It's like they just didn't care. Not one bit.

Wednesday night ponce came over and hung out. It was a good time. I had some wine, and i was in a pretty good mood. He ended up spending the night, and I felt good being able to provide and help someone out. Even if it wasn't saving his life or anything, it was just something very small perhaps. Little things reflect the big thigns I guess.

Earier that night josh came over on a whim. We hung out for a several hours, talking about this or that. It was a great time of conversation and encouragment. We see eye to eye on a lot of things. He's 26, and brings a fresh light to a lot of things. He also told me about a web site called boundless. It's great. I've been reading off that for a little bit. It has a lot of great little articles about different topics. All of them are driven towards the 20 somethings demographic.

thursday I had a great day at school. everything went pretty well. It's good to be back. That night my friend Steve came over. I know him from way back when in the school of music. We had a good time just chilling...literarlly. We sat out back just looking up into the sky and talking about the different crap that happens in our day. Eventually we went inside and started taling about the supernatural. We ended up talking for at least two hours on that alone, and had a great disscusion about it. It didn't spare anything, in fact, I ended up making a good bit of sence. Some times the things I say come out like a bundle of random ideas. He had a ton of great thing to say as well.

Friday I redid my bathroom, see below. The night went great. My roomate found out he got a job, so he was happy. ...ya know, like a real job, one you get with your college edj. So we had some friends over, and had some beers and wine to celebrate. It was funny, cause my sister was there. I knew this would happen, where the image would shift a litle bit from when she knew me as a high school student, to who I am today. It's not a bad shift, but one that's more mature, one that's more liberated from the crap that we put up with in our home town. One that's free. I also mowed the lawn on friday as well.

Today we took megans friend along with a few others to quodba. All enjoyed. It was neat.

I'm about to get outa here for tonight. Get me my dose of Sal-laSA!

Friday, September 01, 2006

Bathroom Fixup

So after a month of my towel hanging over the toilet paper and making it soggy, I decided to make some changes and updates to my bathroom. My roomate has a few personal touches that made mine look like crap. So I figured i'd add some of my own creative touches. I decided to get some new hardware for hanging handtowels, and full size towels. Installed it, and changed out a light switch cover with a sinny metal one. I also got some green blue stuff just to add some color. Check it.

Now I can hang grand towl on wall with no touches Toilet Paper, yes?

This is where you go to the bathroom.

This is where you wash your hands.