Monday, August 28, 2006

Here's something I wrote in my main journal back in march. A lot of this stuff I think is good to think about.

It seems as if I'm in all the wrong places. I believe in having confidence in what you do have, but it just seems as if I've missed the mark. I looked on a girls profile, and I know several of her friends, and there even doing like activities that I could easily fit in the same kinda group, but no....I'm in a completly different planet. Our paths have only crossed once or twice and that's it. Ya know, i'm goign to write her a note on facebook...hold on. haha, I think that went pretty well. I mentioned Brad a collegue of hers in a singing group. I was just thinking how if you really do love someone, you'd be willing to be an unsung hero. If that person went on to be with someone else that was more fitting, or perhaps because of the circumstances, was unable to be wtih you, you would with good intent be happy for her. Not because your a good sport, but because you love her. It's like adoption, or passing on a child to extended family. If you are in poverty with a 2 year old and have the oppertunity to pass your child on to your father in law for care, would you do it. if there were someone in your family that would almost garuntee success in that childs life, would it be worth you letting go? At what point to you sacrific for the other?

A man with ambition has no time for family, yet when the time comes to have a family does that mean his life and ambitions have to stop? some men are bad fathers because they're consumed with thier passion or goals. At what point do you break your own abitions to give your offsping a better chance of thier own. And if they return the same style of parenting to your grandchildren does anything ever get done? Is it possible to be both, and father and a man of amition and great accomplishment? There may come a time where I have to set down the musician carrer full of traveling and playing on the road, and stay at home. Which is what I'd like to do anyway, but as an example, my family and my responsibilties there would inhibit a full effort towards my carrer goals. Perhaps it's only relative. I guess in the end it's love that gives the child over to adoption, it's love that makes a father put aside his ambition to raise a child right. it's love that is the unsung hero. It's that sound of Love, that singing, that will live in the minds of those offspring who follow.

Love is willing to let go Progression of the mind and degression of the pysical world

I found this in someones profile, a girls profile:

Girls are like apples on a tree. The best ones are at the top of the tree. The boys don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead they just get rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right boy to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

What if the tree represents arrogance? I'm just saying, what if?

so I guess this is what it meant
I guess because I can only dream shattered dreams
even my dreams have no form
running this way and that, just as the wind
not of my own wish...the world is a crewl place

So maybe this is what she ment
maybe she didn't believe in it
maybe I was one of the many
phases of life will rise and fall
and once more I can hear failur's call.

There's only so much I can do
I'm watching all warmth being glossed over with blue
yellow's and oranges, all lost thier spirit
Perhaps the past will stay in the past never to surface again
My instinc says one things, while my hopes say another.
My hopes are far from this place.

Sundays always suck.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Here's me in my glasses

Thursday, August 17, 2006

So at 23, I feel at least 25. Yesterday I had a collection of different thoughts in my head. Some of my troubles were improving while at the same time another one was dragging me down.

First of all, over the summer I ended up getting myself sued over unpaid rent because of a unoffical subleaser paid absolutly nothing. I didn't have to pay anything, but that was off the books. I was legally responsible, but ethicly it was my roomates doing. So between him and I, he was going ot have to shell out the money. I guess that's all good, but I'm still having to whipe of crap from the utility bill that were late, and unpaid, so I'm still getting over that hurdle.

Secound, I met an amazing girl and we had a great week together. It was incredible, and definatly boosted my confidence some. However, getting to this point was absolute F'ing hell. I had life figured out that no matter what I wasn't going to find someone like that again, and I just lost my chance. I thought that this was one of those "times" to fight and not to give up. I thought that anything after that, wouldn't have compared to it, and it would have been below standard...which I still think there is a lot of truth to that, because my standards just got a lot a good way. I used to determine my standards by my confidence level a bit too much, which in turn effected which women I found attractive, or should we say, "I could see myself with". Now I really don't care about that leage stuff. Thanks to Melissa I see myself in a new light. When I saw me wearing my crappy clothes she saw so much more. Now I see that "more" as well. I see something that has alot that could be appriciated. I see a lot that can be offered.

third, a friend decided to vamp on an old issue from last summer. I know thier intentions were good, yet sometimes thier advice hard to swallow, and it's hard going down. It got me worked up a little, but somehow I was able to just move on, and today I made little victories to proove to myself that i still had "it", regarless of what was said by my friend. soon I was back on my feet and really didn't think much of what had been said. I accually found my own feet without running back to disproove or argue with that person. Later that friend called me and just wanted to make sure I was doing ok. It ment a lot. I told him or her that I was encouraged on some of the advice, yet damaged on other things he said. I told him or her that I knew it was out of good intentions and we arrived on good terms. him or her, him or her, him or her. Ha

So while I was replacing the door I kicked in I was thinking of how I'm completly over taken this week. In a sence I'm at rock bottom, but that's ok. i've had some very intimate moments with friends about struggles, and thier stuggles, and I've learned to see things in a new way.

Here's a picture of the new door. Man I kicked the crap out of the old one. It was awsome. I think some of your finest moments are birthed out of your worst moments. Perhaps in a way, that was the case here. A new beginning, and new change. A fresh start.

Re Vera
In Truth

Sunday, August 13, 2006

How can you justify loving someone if there is a possibility of it never being returned? But then again, loving for the sake of personal gain wouldn't be love at all. Is it really a bad thing to expect to be loved?

I think love is that you give your care to that person, without the expectation of return. So, can you waste love? I think you can waste effort, but you can't waste love. If you think love was wasted, then it wasn't love in the first place now was it?

I can't be a slave to this as I once was. Gone are the days where I was hopeless romantic. That was my flesh. Here are the days that I live free. I'm free because I no longer have to live by the normalcy of this world. I have been bought with a price, yet I am free because now I have an ability to deny my own flesh. I am no longer a slave to romance.

Whatever she wants I will respect. However, this has just begun. I have not given up.

Re Vera

How much would you be willing to take for the sake of love? How much would you sacrifice for a chance to develop that love into something that could possibly be great. I don't know. At the moment I'm having my doughts. I'm not going to give up though, I just know that at times we have to go through hell just to keep up the relationships we have. I will not give up out of bitterness! However if I have one weakness that would be it.

The hopeless romantic mindset ate me alive in my earlier years, and I don't plan on letting it sneak up on me now. I guess I'm going through stages of emotional illusions. I know the facts: I have a great life, with a very promising future ahead of me. I know that she hasn't forgotten about me. However I started wondering ever scence I got on facebook two hours ago.

I wonder if friendship will turn to acquaintance. Acquaintance turns into postcard relative, and relative turns into a complete stranger. Or is there still momentum? If we keep each others interest, then certainly there can be momentum. However my wonders still chase me around my house, and I find myself being unproductive. I find myself just sitting and thinking, instead of trying to make fruits of my labor.

Faith, Hope, and Love.

Faith. I have faith in my Father. His spirit will lead me, as he already has. Somehow before all this happened I felt like it was eminent. So we talked about the issue, and when it happened, I think we both feel back on what we shared with each other the previous night, making the present time easier. The other night while I was driving, I was relatively calm most of the ride. The last hour was different. My heart opened up like a book. I look ahead of me and I witnessed an amazing sun set. The sun illuminated the edge of the cloud like a neon light. Then rays of light shot upward in all directions. It was a sign of power, a sign of peace. To my north was a storm. The sky was completely black, and I even thought there might have been a tornado. To my east, behind me, I was overtaken by a pink and purple that completely filled the sky. I rolled down my window and looked completely behind me. It was too amazing to just look at it through my mirrors. I though of the times that God reveals Himself in the clouds. Exodus, when he led his people, Act when Jesus ascended into Heaven. I saw God’s glory, and His greatness. I told God how good of a job he did that night on the sky, He said thanks.

Hope. As I looked at the sky, and was praying I asked him if he even heard me. If he even cared. I told him I only know how to do so much, and can’t read the future. I asked him why did he give me warnings of this, or why this is even happening. I had doughts that life itself was just out of control and that he wasn’t doing anything about it. And He spoke. I was listing to this trance house stuff, and at that moment there was this very raw saw tooth synth that started playing. I always thought it a really cool, and dramatic part of the song, but this time it had new meaning. At that very moment God told me, “I AM”. Claming ownership in the world itself, and all things that were happing. It blew me away. All I can hope is that He will give me a second chance.

Love. Is all this worth it for a chance to love? I hope so. I’m a man of my word. When I told her I believed in her, I ment it. I told her she should take the job, even though it would be the end of me, because I know that it’s possible to show a loving act towards someone, even if they don’t return that affection. I know this to be true, because my Father sacrificed everything, in hopes that we would accept His love, and follow him. He risked everything in hope of us appreciating that act of love. I have lost my life because I’ve traded it in to receive everything. Cor. Says how we die to ourselves to recive the life of Christ. At this point I have nothing to loose. I’ll continue to love the person to sued me for money, I’ll continue to love my neighbor, who no one else on my street really likes. I’ll continue to be patient and understanding of Miss. Admirable herself because I’m willing to take that risk. I don’t care if I ever get it back. At least I know I’m not at falt for not loving.

Saturday, August 12, 2006

so my significant other decided today after a phonominal date last night, to call it off this morning because she accepted a job which would give a huge boost to her carrer. I don't blame her, however I still wonder her reasoning, and I'm respectfuly giving her space to do what she wants. I'll pry call her in a couple days to just talk and see how she's been.

Her picture is on my desktop and even with the alchohol, her pic still reminds me of the pain I felt earlier today. I'm not sure what she was exactly thinking when she called, or perhaps it's something I did that she's not telling me. I'm really note sure. This is the secound break up that I've experianced that I havn't gotten a clear reason of why it has happened.

I had an amzing time talking to my Father on the way home. So much so, that I can't tell you what he said, melissa, you'll have to find out later. But it was GOOD. I saw the most amazing sun set, where it just outlined the clouds with a bright white line, while the red sun was setting benith the cloud itself. It was an amazing time of worship.

So I'm really not sure what happened today. All I know is that someone called me, and everything from the last week was completly vanished. I should have called the cops, it was that bad.

So when I got home, I went out to publix and bought a bottle of wine. Mike was going to come over to get the key, just in case I wasn't here in time for his going away party that he was having at my house, have you. well, by the time he came over with 7 other of his friends, and one from camp of this summer, I had drunk most of the bottle of wine. I can say that I was very relaxed. I didn't think twice. I didn't have any worries. I didn't have any thoughts of weather the music was really loud or not. But we blasted it and had a salsa part in my living room. Just out of no where. Mean while, I'm basicly drunk from wine, teaching people how to salsa dance. I don't know why I didn't care. I just don't care when you've had such a hard day.

I just don't care anymore. I even had my fake glasses on tonight, that I got from labri. They are awsome. totally chill, and coffee house. I didn't even think of it when I answered the door, hesitiation. In fact...I'm writting this only moments after the fact. so...I still don't care.

I've falllen so hard today, and most of my friends are shocked and don' think that what happened was right, or that I should have let it happen. But I want her to do what's best for her. I told her strait up that I want her to take the job. And saying that, I sealed my fate, I sealed my existence in her life. Because it was either the job or me, supposivly. I'm still not sure why it's one or the other, but I really do care for her. So I told her the best answer for her, not me. even though it killed me to say it. Even though I sobbed most the way home.

Then I found five dollars.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

ya know I reciently have been extreamly blessed with a very dear companionship. What I'm saying is that I have a girlfriend now, and it's been a new set of emotions that come along with it. She's from Tampa, and myself from tallahassee. How is that going to work? or whatever. How do I spend time, yet give space.....all those things I've asked myself in the past couple weeks, and we accually have talked and worked out some different ideas on issues. It's almost because we can see a challenge of being in two different cities is forcing us to think more effective for the relationship and focus on what we have to work with. I think it's very good though....anyway my plan wasn't to tell the whole world what's going on in my personal life, yet touch on something a little different.

Some of my friends are excited/happy for me, and it's all good. They have reason to be, she's an incredible woman. However I accually got someone laughing at me, because they just flat out didn't believe that this whole thing was true. He thought it was a joke, and I let him go on and make his own conclusions about it. I didn't even defend myself, and quite frankly, I have nothing to defend. I'm confident in the facts, so there is no thret. No need to defend. Let the others die to those conclusions. Anyways....I at first found this halarious. Oh was it going to be so good when the truth came out. I even told her this, and sure it was funny then. I think what makes it so funny is that we all know each other, so it's very clear to them of who this girl is. Perhaps he doughted that I could, or just didn't believe in me. Didn't believe that I could accually attract and have a intellegent conversation with a woman. I don't know. I just think back to the years of unspoken thoughts. Eventually you figure them all out. It's just like a siloette. (sp?) You can see what you don't see, because of the lack of light. This all got me thinking of why I put up with this abuse.

It seems in a world where everything is coming together to function for one purpose, this is the one thing that simply pays the bills. that's it.

Sunday, August 06, 2006

When your day comes

when your day comes...don't forget the nights that you've already lived through. don't forget the things you learn along the way. Don't let those lessons learned, be lessons wasted. Don't let them blow away like a past memory. don't let the blessings of the day let you forget who you are in the night. It was in the night you learned who you were and what you were made of. It was in the night that your Father gave you inspiration for your music. You'd wake up the next morning and not believe what happened last night, and that you didn't write something like that. Kind of like the authors of the Bible, it was the Truth that wrote it. That's why your name means "In Truth". In the night, a single light can illuminate an area. A light does the most good among darkness, but in the light it does nothing. This is the world you are called to. Your called to the darkness of the world. The uncharted territories. This is your mission.

Don't let go of all this, just because things are good. Don't get too comfortable with yourself. Don't forget who you are in the Truth. Take in all those blessings and enjoy it as much as you can. Know that this is only something directly from God himself, and that it's not just of chance. Giver her some space, because she has that right. She has your respect. Make sure you act like it. Don't ever loose sight of the big picture. F the american way of life. That "life" only has fake things that mimic the real life you can find in His Kingdom. Everyday you wake, looking forward to seeing what God can do today. Each moment you know that the things you say are being watched by your Father. Know that you can be on the front line if you want to be. Gosh don't water things down. those people need the thing that you carry. They just don't know it. Perhaps they'll reject you, but that's love isn't it. Love sometimes doesn't get loved back. What do we have to loose, our Father already put it all on the line. He said, "I'll die and pay the price, even if they won't accept what I'm giving them". He offered His love long ago, yet so many reject his love each day. His love is still there as a hard fact of history. Galgotha can testify to this and it's blood stained dirt. I guess some love will just be thrown away and never taken in. Never appriciated.

Don't ever forget the things that define you, but enjoy the blessings when they come your way. This is the life that He was talking about. It's not just for when you can live that happiness right now. You can live that life now.

Saturday, August 05, 2006


It's seems like the mind progresses forward as the world around us falls apart. Our bodies age, and things fall apart and break after years of use. Some how our minds mature with the same age that takes a toll on our body. The mind progresses, grows, and learns. It's almost as if our minds are not of this world and it's rules of degrading, yet somehow programed differently to reflect something greater....something not of this world.

Movie theaters are filled with stories of the underdogs rising to the top. The average guy landing the miss america, or the basket ball team from the bronx going head to head with the private schools in Manhattan. Storys of this, are replayed and replayed almost as if the world want's to believe in something of hope but they just don't know what that hope is. They want to believe that there is something, or someone out there that will bring justice to the world, and set things right. This world is full of curse peoples, for things they can't help but avoid. Those of us that know the Truth, know the Answer.

I pray to the Answer, that each day I will be an ambassidor of the Truth. If I would be so honored, I'll go as far as He'll take me.

Re Vera