A lot of times we take a step back and look at what we have, but most of the time it's just the opposite. We look at what we don't have, and what there's a lack of. And you wish you could just reach out with your hand and grap it. it's so close yet seems to be so far away at the same time. You wish that by a miracle someone would come along and fill that void. Even if it where a stranger, you would let him/her hold your hand. Someone to break the cultural bonds, the rules that say something like that can't happen.
someone recently descibed to me a situation where a group of people where off apart from the rest of the world at a youth camp. In a sence, they were all alone from the world but together. Alone together. Soon most guys started looking at the girls and the girls started looking back. Soon you were a minority for being single, and every saturday night there was movie night. There's somthing in us that pycological that at night we experiance lonliness, and for her that was when it set in like a slow cloud filling up the harbor. The others when on with thier movie, lying on the floor snuggling, while she had no such luxuries. These cold nights sound painfully fimiliar. In my early college years this is the exact situation that ruled my life. It was something that I let control my life, and it was a sort of addiction. A fear that set in that I was valuble, yet thrown away. Hope became painfull as that hope highlighted the very void in which I did not have now, yet wanted so despiratly.
There was a girl that I was drawn to that I never had a breaking moment with. I was never alowed in her life, and quite frankly, she had a agenda, that only a select few who had a secret quality were fit to be her friend. It was like, there was a qualification to be in her company. Possibly self centered and goal orianted to the point where the heat for cooking food was now spreding and catching the house ablaze. Such an outstanding young lady yet one could only catch her attention if your just her "type" and meet her while on a mission trip to south america. How is this love? She was diversified, yet americanized. Sure, let's go all around the world to do missions and help others, but as long as it enriches who I am, and is for self embetterment. and lets be selective of who I hang out with, because I don't want to be contaminated by others. This is such crap.
This is all speculation of coarse, but from what I've heard, this is about how it goes. There was love avalable, yet that love was looked over and shot down with a civilized, "no thanks". No consideration, no thought to what the possibilities could have been. The best people on this earth are those that don't censor thier thoughts or words according to the culture. It doesn't matter what is the norm, or way of life. They say the truth wether it be popular or not. The road is narrow and few travel it, the bible says.
I am here to be an ambassator of truth. I know the truth, and and so do many others, but perhaps they don't live by it. If my intuition was correct about her, I pray that that one girl of my past would see the world, as it is swarming with the work of the Kingdom of Heaven, and God's host of workers, human and spirits. As for her, months ago I gave up trying to persue her, and simply turned my back. It's just yet another reason to keep working hard at my calling.
My current situation has never been better. I am stronger and more pure in who I am by who God has made me to be. I am becoming one. I am feeling a completness like never before. All areas of my live are coming together to be one. I'm the same person that I am at church that I am at a club. I'm currently talking to a girl that seems very cool, and I find her very interesting. She has a sort of dignified beauty about her, yet still very untammed. Still free of the congeston and legalism. It is my worry that I'm just more of a comfort fix for being away and lonly at camp. The bubble she lives in while being at camp, I know from experance, can do strange things on the mind. I would hope, and have been praying that she'll remember me outside of that bubble. When she goes back to her normal life, it's my hope that I will have made a large enough print, and my words deep enough to have no faded away.
many times the things I do just fade away. For some reason the things that I did the one week i was there at the camp have echoed throughout the staff and the youth. She said that perhaps the ones that "arn't the life of the party" have the great effect. This made me think of how over the summer I decided to talk less. Don't try to make conversation if it isn't there. Talk about small talk if you need to, but don't do it for too long. This way when you speak each word carrieds more weight, because you havn't watered yourself down.
With all this said, I still find myself content and complete through the love and things that my Father has given me.