Monday, May 29, 2006

thoughts

I'm starting to really see a separation of personalities here. Over the last 24 hours I've seen a huge difference in how I interact with people verses how my bandmates interact with the "campers". I just don't stretch mytself like the others, because honestly it's not in me to do so. If I were to do so, then I would be putting on a face. Putting on something fake that just isn't me, or topics that I have a concern for. Take our bass player. He loves to talk about little things, ya know small observations about different things. And it's great to listen to this stuff...but I could never do that kinda thing. I'm learning that just because I don't fit into the mold, doesn't mean that I'm doing something wrong. Just beause there are people, doesn't mean I have to go talk to them. this way, when I do talk to them, I am honest. My words are meaningfull because I havn't cluttered them already with usless crap.

Out of all the people that this really matters to is women. I try to be very practical when talking to girls, cause I wanna be honest with them. If they don't like it, so be it. I think honesty is a huge virtue, and sure I may not stray from that even in small talk....but they're just going to have to get used to it. I'm not goign to be one of those that just talk simply to talk. I'm not like that. I can be very serious, but very light hearted at the same time. I'd like to say that I'm good at discussion, but only the discussion that has direction. I can lay down a huge blanket of encouragment for my friends when in need, but you won't see me talking about random things that arn't natural for me to talk about. I don't try to bend myself in that way. This is true for my discussions with women. I don't hold back, and sure sometimes it's messy. Today I got myself in trouble, but I'm not regretting it. What I am regretting however is when it came time to explain myself, something that is a strength, she ignored me, and I was passed on as a gimmick. A jerk, and a waste of the masculine figure.

I flat out told them that it pissed me off when they wouldn't let me explain myself. There was another guy there who was also getting hammered by the group of girls. They were saying he was calling them shallow, and he just couldn't defend himself enough. No matter what he said, it just seemed to bounce around the walls and off into space.

It seems I have an affection for women. A genuine love for them, and with an intentino that I eventually will call one of them mine, and she likewise. I appriciate thier sensitivity, intuition, and care for detail. I also think that the way I percieve life, talk and communicate works well with what women like to hear from a guy. At times I'm very talkative, and expressive of my emotions. I'm told that's rare for a guy. So I think there's alot going good here, however it's hurts the most when a woman offends me. They out of all people can put me down faster than any social adversary. It's not an insult, but a cut down to my spirit. The same spirit that expressive itself with all it's fiber. The same soul that gets inspriation from the pit of the night, when evil and darkness comes alive. It's then I know my Lord still reings, even in the darkness. In the morning the light shines on the land, vegitation feeds off of the light, and provides food for it's inhabitants. During the day the earth comes alive. This is the soul that is always there for me, weither dark or light. In the stillness of night my soul comes alive, against the surrounding darkness, yet is killed when femininity strikes. All art, all words of kindness, all confidence, and the fact that I'm made in His image....it all goes to Hell. My flesh takes over, and sin overcomes what was good.

With all this said, I offered her my chair and left.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

The House

Well, Monday morning I closed on my first house. I'm still very busy today with showing the video tonight, and getting in early this morning. tomarrow I'll go to the graduation, and then drive back up to tally, only to leave the next morning for GA. From there I'll be on the road for five weeks, and spanning the distance of CO and TX.

I'll have to update on the house. I'm sure I could post some photos as well. We spent a solid three days putting in laminate flooring, and making various improvments to the house. In july when I'm done with the tour, I plan on putting in the garden, and doing more decorating to the family room. It should be a lot of fun. I think I'll post some before and after photos on there. that should be fun.

Well gotta make a run. i'll see ya.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Alone Together

Here's something I wrote a few weeks ago while on a short trip. I'm reposting it, just to keep it together with the rest of my blog. Enjoy.

Well, I'm over 600 miles from home, and stuck in some random city on the coase, playing in front of people I don't know. Sure it's great, and it's a ministry. It's exciting to play professionally, but your aways away from your friends and family. No time for side projects, no chance to get to know new friends. In that sence, the 5 of us, are alone together. Our guitarist is getting married in a few months, so were all excited with him about that. Seems like if I just had someone to call, all would be well. I'm just disturbed.

The other thursday night I asked the guys, who could I find a spouse that would be serious about Christ. It seems nothing short of a miracle to find a woman that fits well with my odd personallity. You can say in modern terms would compare winning the lotto to find a woman that has simular ministry ambitions.

Gosh, my church is only about 40-50 people. The grand idea of finding my wife in the church has long passed. The whole idea of the church in my mind has gone to crap. All full of BS, and fake smiles. Fake laughs and jokes to impress. After you've wasted over an hour singing songs you lost your appeal for, and sat through a sermon that you'll soon forget, you excheange anecdotes between some random people, and go about your life. See you next week you say, and that's that. Honestly I'm tired of the crap. Alot of people go to church, cause it's the "place to be". A great youth group, called "the zone", and a twenties something ministry called "Excellerate". Motion graphics and cool lighting, all which make you get the impression your doing well in this church life of yours. What about your real life?

Recently it's been brought to my attention that I could be doing a whole lot more with myself. Tallent that is unused, and words never spoken. I let people wonder in the streets looking for food, and women get abuse in bars, and I don't do anything. A couple words come to mind to take action: courage, balls, no secound thoughts, follow your heart. Gosh, if only I would have done this, I might be in a whole different world.

A purpose

ya know, a lot of poeple try and pass me off as some strange guy. some guy that really doesn't have all that much cofidence, but maybe with a lot of potential. And I may have so much, but I just don't believe in myself, or what my capabilities are. Quite honestly, I really don't know where I fit in. I've have several best friends one for each stage of my life, but I never really found a niche of people that I can have a common bond with. Most of the time my fellowhship with others has nothing to do with females, perhaps because girls might be afriad of out of the box thinking. Maybe it's because most don't and can't frame me into a type of person, they just don't get me. I could almost say that it's a fact, that any girl I've gotten close to, or dated, has "gotten" me. And in this sence, my mom is pry the only one that really gets me. My sence of humor, my anti-conformist thougths. Secound would be my friend Jason. You could say that humor is the way to my heart, so about any of my friens that I can get a good laugh with, those are my close friends. Iv'e never had a ton of friends, the ones you can call up if you just wanna hang. There's often times where the few friends that I know I can call, arn't avalable. Of coarse I should call new friends you say? But then again, I feel I'm intruding because I don't know sports, or I don't think a certain way. On top of this I'm having this oppression lifted off of me that says, "stay clear of those public school kids, they don't have the same values as you do". So I have this subconcience fear that I'll be percecuted just by being in the same room with non-christians. Much more so when it comes time to sit back and get to know a stranger at a pub or bar, I feel as if I have a secret to hide, or that they're going to drag me down, or make me conpromise on my values. I have learned this just to simply be fear, and nothing more.

So I have these two forces working against me. One of them is only my fear. The other one is just how I'm built. I think I'm in a time where I have to reject this fear of being persecuted for being of differnent faith and move on. However I'd like to mention a bit more on my personality, and why there is nothing wrong with it. Some would say that I'm not assertive enough or I don't have confidence. Sure, not enough for the average person, to be like everyone else. I believe I'm made for a spacific purpose, one that only a few are able to do, and I must rise up to this purpose to fullfill my potential. Kinda like how each member of a church/body has a purpose, or a stength that he/she can contribute to the whole. What if someone with great skills simply didn't contribute. Just let it rot away.

You could say this would be like a great person of history never rising to the occation to change the coarse of that history, and slipping away into the sea of people. There is nothing wrong with seeing it this way. I've heard so many times that individuals that were in the spotlight, like artists, writters, ect, were often excentric characters. I think that they're just built differently. Could the great minds share thier passion with like minded friends?....I'm not sure they could. Perhaps they were alone in the things, ideas and passions they had. Perhaps they were complete outcasts becasue of it. some where even arrested for not fitting the mold. (early england church, communist governments, ect) Perhaps I have a chance at doing something other than ordinary. I'm not saying I'll go down in the history books, I'm just saying I need to respect the potential I may have, to do whatever it may be, at whatever degree.

I'm not nessisarily talking about size here. At the root of a president is a single man. People of NYC are the same size as people from Niceville. I'm not trying to be pampus about this. I'm just saying I'm not a waste of flesh and blood. I refuse to live a ordinary life.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Art

So tonight I went out to walmart at midnight and a half, and just went for a walk around the store. I had some things on my mind, and just needed a breather. Quite honestly I just needed to get out, and go for a little drive. While I was there, I noticed the posterboards. I decided to pick up a few, so I could do some of my art if I felt like it. Over the years I've kinda developed my own style of blacklight art. Very simple and abstract, but effective I think. Basicly take some neon poster board, and cut out the shapes to make up a face or whaterver you want. In the end you have this minimalistic-abstract thing that glows in the dark. Looks cool. Anyone that knows me well enough will know that all this art I make up really means something. One piece I made 3.5 years ago, I still have kept, and as of now, it's my make-due cd art. Partly cause it says something about me, and that spirit of artistic value still holds true.

So I was thinking, cause i'm going to have this hardwood thing going on, I figured it'd be cool to make my family room like an art gallery or something. Kinda like a loft, but with a house slant. So then I start thinking about art, and how cool woud it be, sence I'm on a pretty tight budget, to do my own art. Crap, I could even have blacklights on a switch...in the family room/dinning room area. Then have some spots come down from the ceiling that shine on the walls. yeah.

Well anyway, it'll be good.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Preps for Renovations

So I went over to a house today to check out the hardwood floor. Really I'm speaking of laminate here, but for most of you, it's the same thing. Laminate is accually fake, but still looks like wood and much more durible. So I'm going to put some in my house in tallahassee. Should look real classy. Ya know the type of look that you got style. So I'm exciting about this. It's like new start for me. A new major in college, new house, and new beginnings for bad habits that have creeped up.

Currently I hate cooking, we have roaches, and I'm really not motivated at all to do anything in the kitchen. My new kitchen has tile counter tops that look really really sharp. Great kitchen, brand new appliences, and after we do the new flooring, I think it's goign to be a huge face lift for hte house. It will feel brand new. Crap, an older home was the way to go. Sure fix it up your self, but save money in the long run.

Looking forward to being able to practice as much as I want. Currently, someone's alwasy watching the dang tv. I own the tv I might add. I always feel like i'm disrupting the rest of the house when I play drums. what the crap.

It's time to get control of life again. Pull myself together.

Christain Woman

Here's what I think of Christian college girls. A waste of time. Sure they're great girls, but don't even try to ask one of them out, cause if she's not ready to marry you, then that would be vulgar to go on a date. So she trys to avoid you in a nice way, giving you a smile and a "we'll see" about that idea you came up with for this weekend. It's the kinda smile well known to middle class suburbia, the kind that she learned from her parents, where the whole economy thrives on patting each other's back, and being politically correct. You check on the facebook and it says she's "looking for friends". The next week she's with some guy, that just happened to somehow crack his way in the hidden agenda of Mrs. Spiritutal here. So he ends up with the girl, only because he played some stupid board game, watched Princess Bride three times or just happens to work at chick fillet too! ...christain fastfood! They both shop at Lifeway, and listen to JoyFM. Yeah sure, they do all the pop stuff too, but that's point of this isn't it. In the end it was this huge attempt to have a more religious, Godly, and "right" way of dating. In the end, Christians are living no different from non, and in fact the devorse rates are about the same. What gives?

You see my point is that the christain girls i've come in contact with expect to find thier husband while on a mission trip in Peru. It's there that they'll find a young man, who is "on fire for God", whatever that means. That's just a bunch of crap, that goes round and round, until someone has to stand up and say "stop!". How much longer will we be smiling at our friends and saying where "fine", when we're crying for help inside. How much longer will we ignore the opposite sex, just because of a fear of leading each other on. A fear of taking it too religious and taking things too seriously. You see, you wouldn't take a christain girl out on a date just for fun. I've heard that she'll take it too serious and that's just toying with her heart. "She" says no to the idea ahead of time, and "he" doens't even try, cause he knows the rights and wrongs. Meanwhile, the rest of the world is use to the idea, and there's really not a problem.

I'm not making this up. BCM, and Campus Crusade for Christ of the FSU campus have been notorious for people not dating within the group. Ask one of the locals!

At the Crusade conference in panama city that we played at for two weeks. They had a "Diner of Love" that they made into a fun thing to do during the mettings. They competed for a prize, which was to get a seat for yourself, and a person of your choice to sit with you in the "Diner of Love". The idea was a 50's idea to "I'm a guy, your a girl...let's hold hands" kinda thing. Simple puppy love. So you win a seat and you pick a girl you noticed the other night, easy right? nope. They accually had to enforce people to pick the opposite sex, cause all the girls would pick thier girl friends, and if a guy one, he'd pick his bro. Can we not enjoy life for what it is?

I've been around for 4 years, so i'm not drawing this stuff up. What the crap? Why?

People are full of it

Ya know, i'm really tired of people that are full of it. I couldn't tell you what's going on in my head if you paid me. I'm frustrated at most things, even objects, and I couldn't tell you why. I'm just flat out awnry. Perhaps it's just I havn't had a good day sence friday. Everything I've tried to do has been successfull, but a minor disapointment. The world seems to be going against the grain, and I find things to pick at certain things and how they're not right. Why.

Perpaps this dissoence is a good thing. Change would never happen if everyone was always happy. You'd be worried about a married couple if they have yet to argue, and it makes ya wonder, how can this be perfect? You wish someting would go wrong so you at least have the mind of ease to knowt that the problems came, and where fixed. Everythings ok. Perhaps problems are a welcoming element to life. Darkness and life, they can define one another.

I heard once that all great writters have a great disatisfaction in the land they live in. I've noticed that when i'm wondering about a girl, or "reaching" for a resolution of a problem, I have a hightened sence of creativity. In the summer, when nothing happens, all my ideas fade, and things become bland. During the year, the phones flyin off the hook, and the inspiration is right there, waiting to be flexed. Creativity waiting to be expressed.

I can't figure it out. Why am I down? Maybe it's my job, and how I feel like I've been traded. My skills no longer of any value. Maybe it's that I can't find a female vocalist. Does no one believe me? Does no one think I'm worth it? What the crap. I think i'm offering an incredible oppertunity here to sing some "cool" songs, someting different, something with a unique quality. Gosh, why wouldn't you want to be on the edge like that? Maybe it's that I have 30 something students to do a video for, a house to buy, papers to sign and hundreds of thousands to look foraward to having in my name in dept. Perhaps that's it, yet in reality those are all good things. I have a job, and will own real estate. Those are all great things, expecially for someone my age to already have those things.

I don't know. I think i'm in a great spot, i just dont' have anyone else around to make a comparison.