So I went on this retreat that we got hired to play at. It was a good time, but in a understanding kinda way. I wasn't expecting much, and I knew going into it was going to be a rough weekend. There was never really a time were I truly connected with individuals there. I made some people laugh, and I did give some effort into adapting and trying to get to know people there. I think I've figured out that that groups fellowship mainly functions through quality time. a lot of them are into sports, team sports that is, and most of the time is yelling and screamly rediculous things accross the room. Nothing of content, it's all about being there, at that time at that place, and participating in whatever the crap is going on. You don't have to be smart, or have anything in common really. So that's just a guess. It's kinda like pleasentville. Everyone gets a long but over no common interests. It's just because. Perhaps status, perhaps self centerness, perhaps because of something I'll never understand.
I'm feeling great overall. I couldn't care less about having someone. Although it's always something I've wanted, I just don't have that same despiration for it anymore. There's too much happening musically that's just very exciting.
Another thought. I was sitting on the toilet at McDonalds and a vision came into my head all of a sudden of me and my wife on the road doing ministry. I guess I was thinking about having someone else to help me and be with me while I'm on the road. the other day i was talking to a girl about marrage. she said she felt out of the loop cause she was almost 23 and still single. I've never thought of it like that. I'm 23 and feel fine as a bachlor. In fact I don't even have a girlfriend, so marriage seems far far away. But something came into my head about that too. Over the period of a week I started to see a future of where I may be heading. I'm not sure where these thoughts came from, but marriage has become something of the imment future and possible within the next couple years. I even saw it within the current situation which made it even scarier. Typically I think of getting married when I have this or that done, I own this, I'll be at this stage in life. But reciently it just hit me. I'm freaking 23 and that's not a bad age. I starting thinking of how I have wanted a cute girlfriend primarly out of selfishness just to have a cute girl. I had also thought about how it would just be nice to have someone to hang with and cuddle, whatever...but she didn't have to be perfect, cause after all, marrage is a long way away. Perhaps I thought this cause the couple girls I've gotten close to have been younger, so I thought that it would be a few years. Talking to this 22 year old I could sence that she was in a post college stage of life, a "single and looking for the one". I thought to myself, why am I not thinking like this. Why was I so upset over melissa, over not having a cute girl just to have one. Why arn't I thinking about, "is this the kinda girl that would support me and live and breath my passions?". Nope. Not at all. It was, "this girl is cute, and I wanna feel good about myself". I pray that I truely think my wife is the most beautifull woman in the world. I pray that God would bless me in that way, because honestly I think every woman deserves to be with a man who is really all about her. If not, that's just sad.
I'm praying that God will give me his perspective on things. That he would make me incredibly attracted, both pysically and intelectually, to Godly women. Women with character. Women with viture.
Currently I'm working on putting some new material on the myspace site for the ministry. www.myspace.com/sanctuaryone1.