Well, yesterday I have another day of school. Monday was a big day for me. I woke up to find that Comcast had betrayed us. We've paid the bills faithfully, and yet they make us call tech support for the secound time, only to say, "we don't have any record of your account". Comcastic! So I left to go to campus about 3, this way I could get more work done, and use the internet with my mac.
I got to campus and I was chilling for a while just listening to some trance with my in-ears and I notice a girl sit down in from of me about 3 tables down. I thouht to myself, "yeah she's kinda cute, ok whatever". I went on to do my work. After a couple minites I noticed there was a guy sitting down talking to her. She was smiling back, and he was just talking away. I saw they shook hands, so I knew they weren't really friends at this point. I thought to myself, "ya know I bet that girl likes that guy, cause of the look on her face". Sure enough, he got up to leave, and I noticed a little slip of paper in his hand. Man, why did I at least do that? It made me wonder.
Tuesday morning I got up, and put something down on the chair in my room. For some reason at that exact moment, I thought of the U2 song, "Your stuck in the moment, and you can't get out of it. You got to pull yourself to gether." or something like that.
So didn't think anything of it. I got home from school later that afternoon, and was talking to Myque Lopez about some remix thing, and in the middle of our conversation, he quotes the very song I thought of eariler that day. I thought, cool. I said, "God if this really means something make it show up for a third time."
An hour later I was off to a meeting for church. I ended up talking to a few people afterwards in the street outside. Straton pulls up and joins us. Eventually it's just us two and we talked for a few. They he's like, "hey you should hang out, some people are coming over to watch a U2 concert(of the earily 90's)". I was ok, well sure.
So I took that is the 3'rd time. The whole concert I really enjoyed. I'm not sure if that exact song was played, because it was the same album, but the whole thing I just took in like it was gosple. I took in the hope, I took in the justice I heard. I took in the despiration and the politics. So I left that night with encouragment to, "get yourself together, your stuck in a moment". ....a moment, perhaps that fatefull friday morning melissa called me. Perhaps the moment I last saw her, and thought I'd see her in just a couple weeks. Perhaps the moment I lost all my barrings from July.
So today I called work, to see what was up. She said she'd call me back when she knew the answer to my question. I went to quodoba for lunch, and sat outside to soak in the incredibly beautiful day. On the way there I was just thinking....this was my day. It wasn't a "day away from her", or "a day alone" or a "day I didn't have this or that". This day was complete. As is.
Just like I was in July, I had no despirations, no real needs. I was very happy and content. Strat notices this attitude change when he saw me in leasburg. Today was a great day for me. Even though I feel a little sick, I feel great. I fixed up my living room today, and took back some of my dignity. I went to eat lunch completly alone, and felt great.
I'm not sure if this is ignorance, or an attitude of pro-action. I told my sister monday night that I'm sick of the system. I'm tired of being a victim of that system, and it's running my life. I told her that it feels like I'll have to go to Europe to find a girl that's not in the system. I guess at the moment the system isn't bothering me. I think the power is in the attitude. I think the power is in speeking up. I think the power is in having a presence. I think the vice of the system is hesitation. I think vanity is another vice of the system. It rules poeple like none other. I guess what I'm feeling is that perhaps I'm ahead in the game. Perhaps I've been trying to date these 19 year olds and they just dont' get the same things. Why do this, or why do that. At the same time, the older girls I know are still younger than me by a year or so. I don't know why, but there's not that many older women around. all 85s, or 86s. Where'd all the 83s go?
So perhaps I just having been trying hard enough. Perhaps it's my hesitation that's killed me, and I try to make answers out of things I don't really know. Ya know, I don't know why girls at crusade are hard to get to know. I don't know why older women see to brush me off. Ok, so there's a few that think I'm funny, but the rest think I'm a joke. yeah...let'm have thier borring lives. Go on.
Don't be a victim of the system. The bible says don't be of the world. Know what's going on, and interact with it, but don't be of it.