Well sence my last entry I've been kinda down. Perhaps it wasn't the greatest idea, however at least I got it out there. Ever sence i wrote it on monday i've thought so many times of how I never wish we even met. I've had flash backs to Wet'n'Wild, and eating at Cracker Barrel. She said she ment every word she said to me, yet in 20 years will she still agree with what she had said, saying, "yes now that I look back with half of my life past me, I'm still glad I told Ryan all of those things". Or will it be, "man I've gown so much sence then, and that relationship was nothing that my current marrage is now". I think the later will be the case. And it's a simple truth I know, yet a hard one to swallow.
I'm no longer dating girls that are that young. I think she was too young in a couple areas, thus she says, "not lining up" between you and me. I'm going to have it in my head that all hot girls are flirts, and are going to try to play around with my heart.
I'm sure my dream girl will come along, and I'll just ask her, "how do I know your not another melissa?". I'll make her proove it too me. As of now, there is a wall. I wish I never took that gig for that methodist camp. Before i was fine, now I'm dealing with barriors.
I'm sure I can warm up to a woman, however it will now take extra time between the "seeing stage" and the DTR stage. Trust has to be with time. It has to be earned. I've learned in life that the quicker things come about, the quicker they have the ability to disapear. She was carless with getting involved, and it was no big deal. At the same line of thought, it was no big deal to call me and completly shatter my heart. The quicker they come, the quicker they go.
I was thinking about this, cause my roomate is talking to a girl that's going to be in his city come January. It's a process that's started, and possibly could result in something. It's a very healthy possition to be in. I just wish I could have something like that. There's nothing more fun, then basking in the sunlight of knowing who you are, proud to be single, and delevoping a relationship at the same time. Where did those days of July go? The days were I worked on the house, called her from time to time, and they thought nothing of it, because after all, I didn't need anyone.
I guess the best thing for me to do, is to remind myself of those days. Remind myself, that yes I am still that person. I'm really in a great possition. I have a job, accually a couple of them. I have a personal sence of ministry and calling. I have a good sence of who I am as a person, and my confidence is growing better and better. I'm a home owner, and I have a studio way above my legue that's based out of my house. I see the greatest of these, my personal ministry and calling. That is why I have the job, that is why I would need a studio, that is why I would need strong confidence. In fact, I have found it in ministry. The other sunday I don't know what got into me, but I was confident, and knew "what I was doing". Nothing was planned, nothing was scripted. Not really the music either. All I can say is that it was all the spirit. All insecerities, all doughts of what I was doing and why, just went out the door. I've never really felt like a vessel until that point. ...well I did, but not that strong. It was amazing. My friends were like, Ryan I don't know why you fear getting in front of people, cause you were very confident and confortable. I said, "well i guess I never had a reason to get in front of people". I've never felt so strongly about an artistic idea, and I've never had this sence of artistic identity either.
Not sure if you caught this, but my attitude has changed between the last paragraph and all previous ones. I thought the whole "focusing on the things of God" was a joke and cliche, but it's definatly true today.
Ok well I'm djing tomarrow at a church, and gotta get set up. check it.