Saturday, August 12, 2006

so my significant other decided today after a phonominal date last night, to call it off this morning because she accepted a job which would give a huge boost to her carrer. I don't blame her, however I still wonder her reasoning, and I'm respectfuly giving her space to do what she wants. I'll pry call her in a couple days to just talk and see how she's been.

Her picture is on my desktop and even with the alchohol, her pic still reminds me of the pain I felt earlier today. I'm not sure what she was exactly thinking when she called, or perhaps it's something I did that she's not telling me. I'm really note sure. This is the secound break up that I've experianced that I havn't gotten a clear reason of why it has happened.

I had an amzing time talking to my Father on the way home. So much so, that I can't tell you what he said, melissa, you'll have to find out later. But it was GOOD. I saw the most amazing sun set, where it just outlined the clouds with a bright white line, while the red sun was setting benith the cloud itself. It was an amazing time of worship.

So I'm really not sure what happened today. All I know is that someone called me, and everything from the last week was completly vanished. I should have called the cops, it was that bad.

So when I got home, I went out to publix and bought a bottle of wine. Mike was going to come over to get the key, just in case I wasn't here in time for his going away party that he was having at my house, have you. well, by the time he came over with 7 other of his friends, and one from camp of this summer, I had drunk most of the bottle of wine. I can say that I was very relaxed. I didn't think twice. I didn't have any worries. I didn't have any thoughts of weather the music was really loud or not. But we blasted it and had a salsa part in my living room. Just out of no where. Mean while, I'm basicly drunk from wine, teaching people how to salsa dance. I don't know why I didn't care. I just don't care when you've had such a hard day.

I just don't care anymore. I even had my fake glasses on tonight, that I got from labri. They are awsome. totally chill, and coffee house. I didn't even think of it when I answered the door, remember...no hesitiation. In fact...I'm writting this only moments after the fact. so...I still don't care.

I've falllen so hard today, and most of my friends are shocked and don' think that what happened was right, or that I should have let it happen. But I want her to do what's best for her. I told her strait up that I want her to take the job. And saying that, I sealed my fate, I sealed my existence in her life. Because it was either the job or me, supposivly. I'm still not sure why it's one or the other, but I really do care for her. So I told her the best answer for her, not me. even though it killed me to say it. Even though I sobbed most the way home.

Then I found five dollars.

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