Sunday, August 13, 2006

How much would you be willing to take for the sake of love? How much would you sacrifice for a chance to develop that love into something that could possibly be great. I don't know. At the moment I'm having my doughts. I'm not going to give up though, I just know that at times we have to go through hell just to keep up the relationships we have. I will not give up out of bitterness! However if I have one weakness that would be it.

The hopeless romantic mindset ate me alive in my earlier years, and I don't plan on letting it sneak up on me now. I guess I'm going through stages of emotional illusions. I know the facts: I have a great life, with a very promising future ahead of me. I know that she hasn't forgotten about me. However I started wondering ever scence I got on facebook two hours ago.

I wonder if friendship will turn to acquaintance. Acquaintance turns into postcard relative, and relative turns into a complete stranger. Or is there still momentum? If we keep each others interest, then certainly there can be momentum. However my wonders still chase me around my house, and I find myself being unproductive. I find myself just sitting and thinking, instead of trying to make fruits of my labor.

Faith, Hope, and Love.

Faith. I have faith in my Father. His spirit will lead me, as he already has. Somehow before all this happened I felt like it was eminent. So we talked about the issue, and when it happened, I think we both feel back on what we shared with each other the previous night, making the present time easier. The other night while I was driving, I was relatively calm most of the ride. The last hour was different. My heart opened up like a book. I look ahead of me and I witnessed an amazing sun set. The sun illuminated the edge of the cloud like a neon light. Then rays of light shot upward in all directions. It was a sign of power, a sign of peace. To my north was a storm. The sky was completely black, and I even thought there might have been a tornado. To my east, behind me, I was overtaken by a pink and purple that completely filled the sky. I rolled down my window and looked completely behind me. It was too amazing to just look at it through my mirrors. I though of the times that God reveals Himself in the clouds. Exodus, when he led his people, Act when Jesus ascended into Heaven. I saw God’s glory, and His greatness. I told God how good of a job he did that night on the sky, He said thanks.

Hope. As I looked at the sky, and was praying I asked him if he even heard me. If he even cared. I told him I only know how to do so much, and can’t read the future. I asked him why did he give me warnings of this, or why this is even happening. I had doughts that life itself was just out of control and that he wasn’t doing anything about it. And He spoke. I was listing to this trance house stuff, and at that moment there was this very raw saw tooth synth that started playing. I always thought it a really cool, and dramatic part of the song, but this time it had new meaning. At that very moment God told me, “I AM”. Claming ownership in the world itself, and all things that were happing. It blew me away. All I can hope is that He will give me a second chance.

Love. Is all this worth it for a chance to love? I hope so. I’m a man of my word. When I told her I believed in her, I ment it. I told her she should take the job, even though it would be the end of me, because I know that it’s possible to show a loving act towards someone, even if they don’t return that affection. I know this to be true, because my Father sacrificed everything, in hopes that we would accept His love, and follow him. He risked everything in hope of us appreciating that act of love. I have lost my life because I’ve traded it in to receive everything. Cor. Says how we die to ourselves to recive the life of Christ. At this point I have nothing to loose. I’ll continue to love the person to sued me for money, I’ll continue to love my neighbor, who no one else on my street really likes. I’ll continue to be patient and understanding of Miss. Admirable herself because I’m willing to take that risk. I don’t care if I ever get it back. At least I know I’m not at falt for not loving.


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