Monday, May 29, 2006


I'm starting to really see a separation of personalities here. Over the last 24 hours I've seen a huge difference in how I interact with people verses how my bandmates interact with the "campers". I just don't stretch mytself like the others, because honestly it's not in me to do so. If I were to do so, then I would be putting on a face. Putting on something fake that just isn't me, or topics that I have a concern for. Take our bass player. He loves to talk about little things, ya know small observations about different things. And it's great to listen to this stuff...but I could never do that kinda thing. I'm learning that just because I don't fit into the mold, doesn't mean that I'm doing something wrong. Just beause there are people, doesn't mean I have to go talk to them. this way, when I do talk to them, I am honest. My words are meaningfull because I havn't cluttered them already with usless crap.

Out of all the people that this really matters to is women. I try to be very practical when talking to girls, cause I wanna be honest with them. If they don't like it, so be it. I think honesty is a huge virtue, and sure I may not stray from that even in small talk....but they're just going to have to get used to it. I'm not goign to be one of those that just talk simply to talk. I'm not like that. I can be very serious, but very light hearted at the same time. I'd like to say that I'm good at discussion, but only the discussion that has direction. I can lay down a huge blanket of encouragment for my friends when in need, but you won't see me talking about random things that arn't natural for me to talk about. I don't try to bend myself in that way. This is true for my discussions with women. I don't hold back, and sure sometimes it's messy. Today I got myself in trouble, but I'm not regretting it. What I am regretting however is when it came time to explain myself, something that is a strength, she ignored me, and I was passed on as a gimmick. A jerk, and a waste of the masculine figure.

I flat out told them that it pissed me off when they wouldn't let me explain myself. There was another guy there who was also getting hammered by the group of girls. They were saying he was calling them shallow, and he just couldn't defend himself enough. No matter what he said, it just seemed to bounce around the walls and off into space.

It seems I have an affection for women. A genuine love for them, and with an intentino that I eventually will call one of them mine, and she likewise. I appriciate thier sensitivity, intuition, and care for detail. I also think that the way I percieve life, talk and communicate works well with what women like to hear from a guy. At times I'm very talkative, and expressive of my emotions. I'm told that's rare for a guy. So I think there's alot going good here, however it's hurts the most when a woman offends me. They out of all people can put me down faster than any social adversary. It's not an insult, but a cut down to my spirit. The same spirit that expressive itself with all it's fiber. The same soul that gets inspriation from the pit of the night, when evil and darkness comes alive. It's then I know my Lord still reings, even in the darkness. In the morning the light shines on the land, vegitation feeds off of the light, and provides food for it's inhabitants. During the day the earth comes alive. This is the soul that is always there for me, weither dark or light. In the stillness of night my soul comes alive, against the surrounding darkness, yet is killed when femininity strikes. All art, all words of kindness, all confidence, and the fact that I'm made in His all goes to Hell. My flesh takes over, and sin overcomes what was good.

With all this said, I offered her my chair and left.


At 11:07 AM, Blogger RJ said...

I feel you bro! And more than that i miss ya! I hope you have a great time of growth and fun while out there. Keep us in prayer as we will you!



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