Sunday, December 17, 2006

Song idea: "Light"

Fans of light stretch over darkness
seas of black hands and tainted hearts
Reaching for life none posses
These hearts which immorality's claimed it's part
They reach instinctivly to touch a beam of life

Things we comprehend not
our freedom so hard fought
closed/shut our eyes on life oncely secure
every word and action now impure

Things we comprehend not
our freedom so hard fought
From this hell close your eyes
and gaze upon the life of light
open a life once only of our dreams now newly yours

Light and shadows, the two cannot mix
Breath of Life flows over land
Seas of green grasses root from rich soil
Reaching up in open sky
To kiss the rays of life
Drawing life it grows up high

Free from darkness, fullfilled prophesy

Saturday, November 25, 2006

painfull fasination

for the first time in a while now, i've begun to feel. I saw a couple pictures of her online and I was reminded of how beautiful she was. But what's the world without dreams. I've found myself in a daze.

Friday, November 17, 2006

so I've decide to close my account for facebook. All gone, bye bye. Straton was telling me how on some things it was hard for him because of facebook being a huge portal of "know all" informantion. In fact, most of it he didn't want to know or here about. sometimes ignorance is bliss. So I've decide that too much of my time is on facebook thinking about girl that I'd like ot have, or wish I have, and i'm taking a stand. I'm so tired of our culture, and quite frankly, why should I have the right to wish a culture could change, when I'm just one of them.

So reciently I've been evalutating my ethics and maturity. Some say this or that about me, and it leads me to think one thing. But honestly if I chase others around trying to please them I'll never get anywhere. Sure I shouldn't be complacent, but I have to be confident with what I DO have. I have to know that I'm ok for now, and that I shouldn't stress over what I am not. That's just plain stupid. I'm Ryan, I'm a visionary, I'm a wacked out forward thinker, I have a wildside, and an unpredictible side. I have a steady side that you could set your watch to. I have an intuitive side that most would misinterpret as a bad thing.

Quite honestly, this is everything that make up me. If I were to change something, I wouldn't be the same person. Sure I can improve from here, but without the "falts" I have today, I'd be somewhere ELSE, and then going from THERE to some far off place. the truth is that all I can do is work with what I have. I don't have what other people have, and I'm sorry. Go screw yourself.

Perhaps I'd feel better if I had a girl. But not really, cause that would just be covering up the real topic at hand. Then I'd be using her to justify something about myself, which isn't right.

The other night a couple of the guys were laughed when I said that we will eventually be married. They said they used to think like that but don't any longer. Well, I still think that I can find a woman who I think is absolutly georgous, and I still think that my prime is yet to come. I'm still young and still developing my purpose. I think I greaten my chance of finding a woman like the further I develope my skills and belonging. I'm prime is yet ahead. The kingdom his here, and it's time to learn to set aside the childish sins of my youth and live in the present. Live in the now. have my own ideas about myself, regarless of what others say. Do things without hesitation. I've learned that in spiritual warefare I am my own worst enemy. The sin of my flesh fights against what I know to be true, and I choose ways of death of ways of life. I'm praying for a breaking point. I'm praying that I'll break down so I can move closer to the ways of Truth. I'm starting to feel the pull for a major lifestyle change, one that isn't full of fleshly desires. One that I can accually hear what God is saying to me, because i have my eyes open to it. That's where I want to be.

Friday, November 10, 2006

So I just finished a rushed time for me in school. The good news is that the core classes I Ased the exams. The electives were accually more difficult and one of them was a paper I had to complete. Hopefull it'll pan out well.

So the garage is coming along. For the past few hours i've been taking down the tracks. At one point the 300lb door almost crashed down, but I held it together. Hopefully tomarrow well get a few guys together and build the wall.

So I'm going to a DCrowder thing tonight. I didn't even pay for the ticket, and quite frankly, DCrowder thinks my name is Duke. yeah...I got to meet him once out in waco TX. Most would rever this moment when they get to meet the oh holy one of praise music. Yet I figured I'd stick it to the man, and not even tell him my real name. He said back, "duke, nice to meet you". haha, in my own little way, I took advantage of the person that writes all the songs that I, the music, has to play for my job.

I'm still thinking about girls like always. I'm just a little discouraged. I found out my dream girl "Diana the Dignified" is no longer single. I also found out that Ashley the Adorable is also "in a relationship". Thanks facebook.

I always think that I'm not doing something right. Perhaps i'm not. Perhaps I'm just built different. Perhaps I have a solo purpose for a while.

I have no life within me. The life that IS within me is not of me, but is of Christ. I owe my whole life to Him, for he will give me life after the Life. I have nothing to complain.

Saturday, October 14, 2006

so I was talking to a friend the other day. I asked her if it was self-centered or selfish to want a pretty wife one day. I asked because the most beautiful women in the world don't think they're much to talk about when they have waken up to see the same face each day. However for the rest of us, it takes our breath away. Certainly having a beautiful wife would only be for my benefit. However she did ask me, "when a friend wants to help you, get you a gift, or serve you, wouldn't you want to show that person that you really needed help, or that they were a life saver. Wouldn't you want to make them feel good about serving and caring for the one they love? If this person was your wife, wouldn't you want her to think that she sets your world on fire? should marry someone you think is pretty, not because it's for your own status, or vanity of having a hot wife. You marry that person cause they deserve to have someone that is all about them. That really appriciates them, thier beauty, thier personality, thier passions. After all, you want our wife to think your hot, if not how would that make you feel. What would happen to your confidence, or vise versa for the woman. How much better would she feel vs having a man that things she's average. No, that would be a shame.

so she didn't say all that, but I have a reasured view on this now. I dont' feel as bad about persueing a girl, and that it's not out of selfish crap.

Ya know I've noticed a pattern in the past three girls that I've gotten close to, that after I've gotten past initial stages of "does this person like me or not" I turn into a different person. I can stare her right in the eye, and not flinch a bit. I'm in the zone. I'm cool and confident, never loosing composure. I just wonder why I'm not like this more often. Why my confidence can't be like this more often, and why I can't just put up a sign that says "this is what I'm all about, this is where I'm going. Check it!" Nope, instead I end up secound guessing, worrying too much. I was thinking about this the other day, and I was like, "why don't I just try to find that zone and stay in it".

So I'm going Sal-la-sa tonight. Should be a great time. Last week went really really well. This week will be even better because some friend of mine are going along. Check it sucka!

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

monday, the day after sunday

not much happened, studied all day for a exam i have tomarrow. more to life than this. i quit for tonight.

the neighbor hates me. she hate's because I'm young. she hates my lifestyle, and the fact that I'm not settled down.

i asked a girl to lunch the other day. she said no. i tried, and i'm glad i did. it felt great.

tonight i had dinner out on the deck. moved the table out there.

we sprayed insulation into the attic the other day. i can feel a difference.

had my eye on Miss Georgous from church. her clevage was showing. realized it pry wouldn't ever work out.

people found matt. 5 simple and boring. they're right, simple it profound. verses still ringing in my head. overtones of those simple truths still showing up. by the post office, by the train, by the bus. matt. 5 is everywhere.

Saturday, October 07, 2006

Will I ever reach the point where I'm not thinking for my best interest? Will I ever reach the point where I'm able to look at my pretty girlfriend because I love her, want to serve her, and am genuinly interested in her? Or perhaps I will fail once again into the trap of self-centered ambitions of having a cute girl by my side.

It seems that there alot of very down to earth people out there that I never come into contact with. And to think that there are all these down to earth cute girls out there that for some reason I'm not interacting with and getting to know...could be possible an illusion of my mind. Because certainly, many of these attractive women are not on same page as I am, and have totally different ambitions and passions. Thier political views alone would hint that those girls wouldn't be wife material. If the world were an equall place, I could go for any girl that caught my eye, but if I put away those perfect ideals in my head of "how it should be", then I find that I'm not at all wrong for where I am.

I'm single, kinda a loner, and still wondering why I can't seem to find a soul mate, or a female friend to get a secound take on things. I don't really hang out with girls as friends, and I'm not sure why. I really would like to change this. I don't know alot of things and I guess I'll have to move on without that understanding.